Bear suit, grrrrrrrr

Before I put my bear suit on, go completely insane, and just generally make a fool of myself by making an embarassing and public spectacle out of the entire situation...



I think I'm going to calm down and think it over for a few more days. I honestly don't want to end up embracing my crazy DNA and allowing my anger to define me. There are so many other parts of me that are infinitely more interesting and worth focusing on. I already feel slightly better after the previous post.

Just know that I have enough dirt on you to bury you and all twelve of your split personalities, so I am not to be fucked with right now. Other than that, enjoy your temporary pardon - it's the only one you'll get from me.

A religion of convenience.

I'm about to get very, very dirty. Gloves are coming off. I'm about to do something I have secretly sworn to myself for decades that I would never ever do.



Not exactly what I had in mind. Let's try a scene from "Otto; or, Up With Dead People", which is a movie about a homosexual zombie trying to find love while fulfilling his insatiable need to consume human flesh. Yes, this should be a little more fitting. I can feel it.



Perfection. So, what exactly is about to happen? [Deep breath. More of a sigh than anything.] Fuck. There is still part of me that refuses to believe that you are the total monster and horrible person you have proven yourself to be time and time again. But... I think I've been far too kind for far too long. I think I have forgiven too much of what can never be forgotten and that I've been too silent when I should have been screaming vitriol all along. For anyone in the dark, I'm about to severely damage - if not completely destroy - my "relationship" with my mother. Our past is complicated, twisted, dark, tragic, insane, and horrifying. All of which I've done a supremely great job at not even hinting at much less reviewing and broadcasting to the anonymous viewing audience of my various blogs.



Well... That's about to change.

Over what I anticipate will be several posts and the better part of a week, I will be examining the past I share with my mother. This will not be easy and it will not be pleasant. I think, however, it is now necessary. I have held back for as long as I could. As time passes, I lose more and more reason and cause to do so. All of what will follow was inspired - or perhaps provoked - by the following image from the internet (posted by my mother on her facebook page) and the comment exchange attributed to that image posting between my mother and sister - and very briefly myself as well. All of which I will share with you now before proceeding. Please note that it is not the image in question that I take issue with. What I take issue with is the mentality and philosophy of the poster of said image as demonstrated in the comments and the posts that will follow over the next few days. But for now, here's a preview of the issue I'm about to address. Here's my mother for you.



[The comment section for the above image on my mother's facebook page as of time of posting.]

Sister: And how do they feel about divorce?? Ha

Mother: depends on how unevenly "yoked" you are....if a Non believer wants out of the marriage and there can be no resolution it does state that a Christian has to let them go.....That is Biblical....

Sister: Only w adultery, thats it. And a remarriage is still adultery, so they say.

Mother: Did Jesus not forgive the woman at the well??

Myself: Noted. Thank you.

Sister: So he only forgive ladies?

Mother: hmmm.....sounds to me like You want an argument of some kind....so I would just suggest reading the Bible a little more....I thought you were currently attending church or am I mistaken??

Sister: I think ppl wanna use scripture to exclude certain groups. And thats not whats it for. Would jesus put this on his fb page?? Uh i think not

Sister: How could u post this and not get a fight?

Mother: That is your opinion and you are entitled...I believe He would post it....and it is not about fighting it is about Biblical truth...

Mother: Yes, I still love you or did you miss that part too??



I decided to limit my presence in this exchange for a number of reasons. First of all, I'm no expert in the bible, Jesus and his teachings, religion in general, or even status quo morality. My sister is much better versed in all of that. There's also the fact that I could watch these two go at each other for days. It's very entertaining and thrilling. I'm entirely proud of my little sister for taking a stand and attempting to debate with my mother. Also, I wasn't really surprised by either the image or the fact that my own mother would decide to post it. It is her right and opinion and blah blah blah. I am very very aware that my mother does not accept or embrace my sexuality. I didn't either for the first thirty years of my life. I can relate completely. So, I wasn't surprised. So, I stayed out of it. I did, however, post my own status update to express my own opinion about the situation.

No one is coming to my wedding. I'm eloping.

This status update was "liked" within seconds by my mother. I think that is the moment when I had my moment of clarity. No matter what, my mother won't be at my wedding. I won't invite her. She wouldn't come if I did. If I even ever decide to get married or even can by that point. It could be entirely legal or entirely illegal by then. Who the fuck knows? Not the point.

The point is... I always knew my mother was a bitch. There was a time when she took absolute pride in that fact - maybe still does? But... That just makes me a son of a bitch. Right? Right. And what this son of a bitch finds impossible to comprehend or excuse is the fact that this woman - my mother, yes, but still just a generally crazy bitch at heart - has a very colorful, spotted, and often times illegal past which I have turned a blind eye to for my entire life or at least had the courtesy to keep my fucking mouth closed about. It's interesting (make that ridiculous and sad) that someone who has been given the benefit of the doubt and an excess of clean slates would turn around, suddenly refinding religion/God/Jesus/the Republican agenda/whatever, and use that as a soapbox to start hurling judgements and condemnations at those who forgave and excused her own transgressions throughout the years. And let me just say, for the record, that the number of her transgressions against me personally have been so numerous and ongoing that it will literally take me days and several posts to cover even most of it with any decency. But, I fully intend to do so.

Strap in, readers. It's about to get turbulent in this mother. Anger monkeys have been deployed.

Search and Destroy

Each and every time I allow myself to think I'm actually making progress - socially, financially, personally, whatever the case might be - it becomes all too painfully clear how very misguided and entirely foolish I have been. If I wasn't such an avid fan of dark, twisted humor... I simply couldn't tolerate the tragic comedy of my life. Even so, it's still overwhelming to me at times.

I lost my dream job at the cheese factory. I answered an ad for a marketing representative which slowly evolved over the course of a three day unpaid orientation process into a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. In my defense, the apparatus started out as an air filtration unit. But, suddenly on day 3, the training manager produced a box of accessories. I watched horrified as he slapped a set of wheels and a hose on the thing and then proceeded to vacuum the room with it. I would have ran out if not for the shock of it all. If it takes you three days to tell your prospective employees that the damn thing is really a vacuum cleverly disguised as a humidifer/air purifier... How damn long is your in-home sales pitch to the prospective buyer going to last? Ain't no body got time that. I should have known better.

Out of desperation, I took a job at the local call center: loyal readers may remember my time as a propaganda perpetuator for the right wing agenda. Same call center, different room. No more cold calls for any political entity. No, all calls were inbound for cable service. It was slightly better than being a soldier of the Republic. Not much, though. I spent both lunch breaks searching job boards online, submitting applications, and scheduling interviews. I went to several closed and open interviews. I finally landed a part-time night audit job for a hotel in Youngstown. Then I also snagged a part time manager/delivery driver position at a pizza place. That was my last day at InfoPrison, the call center of the damned.

I stopped my regular weekly pilgrimage to Akron after I lost my job at the cheese factory. I did spend New Year's Eve with Clay. I haven't seen Woody since he asked me to move to Ft. Lauderdale with him. I had known he was planning on moving there since I first met him last summer. But, it had always been this "someday" thing that wasn't ever actually supposed to happen. Now it probably is going to happen. He seems serious about it anyway. Scary as it is to admit, I want to do it. At the same time, I really don't. Ohio won't be the same without Woody, but my life won't be the same without Nurse Egg. In the meantime, I'm simply pretending like I don't remember having that conversation, avoiding the situation entirely, and focusing my complete attention to getting my life back on track - financially speaking anyway.

I think my personal life might be a lost cause at this point.

My disastrous fair date

The cage is spinning. My date is shrieking. His commemorative Trumbull County Fair cup is flying around us spraying Mountain Dew everywhere. I reach out and grab the little bastard from it's mid-flight orbit. I'm laughing hysterically and having actual fun for the first time since we arrived at the fair. I've never in my entire life felt like more of a man. I've never in my entire life been less attracted to one. The date is over for me. It hadn't been going well anyway, but this was the moment I knew it was a total wasted effort.

When we're on solid ground again, I wait for my date to regain his composure. Then, it's confrontation time.

"So... You said... What was it exactly? Oh, something about being an avid roller coaster enthusiast? Right? Yeah. Avid... Oh, here's your cup, by the way. I saved it from a slow spinning death. Not much Mountain Dew left in there. We are wearing most of it."
"I'm so sorry."
"I don't really care about the Mountain Dew. I'm more concerned with the whole concept of you describing yourself as an adrenaline junkie with a particular hunger for thrill rides... You were screaming up there, almost the entire time. It was... shrill to the point of deafening. And continuous. And horrifying. I'm curious if you knew that was going to happen and were just hoping it wouldn't? Or, maybe you thought you'd luck out and I wouldn't want to ride anything while we're on our lovely fair date. You asked me here - specifically because of the rides, that you so adamantly wanted to ride the shit out of so desperately. So... I'm confused by the logic of any of this. Are you not the guy I've been talking to online? Because that's who I want to be here with. If you have his number, I'd like to talk to that guy again. Because if you are that guy, I'm seriously doubting anything you ever said to be true at this point. I also think you should probably, no definitely, delete the whole straight acting portion of your online profile. I doubt anyone in a twenty mile radius is buying that shit after this."
"You want me to take you home?"
"Absolutely. Yes, please."

This guy was extremely charming in text format. He was interesting and cool and intelligent and funny and masculine and sexy - in text format. In reality, none of those things were true in person. Also, the lazy eye was far more disturbing in person than in photo. I was really happy he wore sunglasses, because that whole skewed lines of vision concept freaks me right out. I did lie about my comfort level regarding that, but I was willing to give it a chance. I was willing to give this seemingly amazing guy with a slight genetic defect a chance - until his mom called, three times. Then there was the whole Philly cheese-steak debate.

"Please, for the love of God, stop talking."
"It's just that I actually lived in Philly-"
"-for five years, I know. So, this isn't a genuine Philly cheese blah blah blah. I don't care. I'm hungry. I want some steak-ums and melted cheese with grilled peppers and onions. I don't care that it should be cheese whiz or whatever, because that's a genuine Philly. Right? Yep. Still don't care. I want my bullshit Philly and I don't care. The genuine deal sounds absolutely terrible and I wouldn't eat that shit. Not even in Philly."
"It shouldn't even be called a Philly-"
"Wow. Please, stop. We're in Ohio. I don't even care about the origins of a fucking sandwich. I don't even want this now. You have ruined this for me. Just like the deep fried oreos."

Which were freaking nasty, but he insisted I try them. They were gooey deep fried balls of sugary shit. I hated them. That I was willing to let go. Obviously, not for everyone and definitely not for me. But, the whole history and correct assembly of the Philly cheese-steak, which had gone on the entire time the guy was making it and halfway through me eating it until I gave up and threw the thing away to rid myself of it and the associated conversation, was not something I was going to let go. I wanted to punch him in his face - repeatedly, possibly with a brick or hammer or something similarly traumatic.

That's when we started on the rides. We rode only the one - the spinning cages. Then, I officially declared the date as DOA. I had been attempting to revive it since it started and there simply wasn't a point. I hated this guy so completely and intensely that I could not get away from him fast enough. I had downloaded the fair's own app previous to the date and used the Find Your Car feature when we first arrived and parked, because I'm crafty like that and on top of shit. So, I knew exactly where the damn car was. But, my date was just as sure he knew better than me where his own car was. It was the Philly cheese-steak debate all over again. Since I was fed up and feeling especially sadistic, I let the asshole hunt for his own car for over two hours in the dark. His key chain fob didn't work, either. So, no hints or help from the car itself. Eventually he did finally give up and ask me where I thought the car was. We found it immediately. We drove in absolute silence. I enjoyed this part of my date about as much as any other, except for the conclusion of it and the part where I never had to talk to, see, or spend any amount of time with this guy ever again.

New year, same story.

I'm hibernating for the rest of winter. It's too damn cold to be trekking over to Akron to be a social phenomenon on the gay bar circuit. I've been to Adams Street, Square, Cocktails, Daddys... I know the bartenders and the regulars. It's been a weekly thing for months now. I've even been to 442 and the Funky Skunk locally. I hate going to the local bars. I seriously hate going to the local bars. Although, I love that I can still smoke inside 442. That's about it. Also, the drinks are fairly cheap there. But, I'm hibernating for the rest of winter. It's too damn cold to go anywhere and do anything right now.

It's even too cold for work, but I go. I'm currently in orientation at the call center, the same call center where I previously perpetuated anti-Obama propaganda and peddled NRA memberships like a right-wing lunatic. This time I'm in the media department. No cold calling and harassing people. The callers are already interested in the services we provide and I just need to attempt to upsell them to the most expensive package before giving them whatever they're actually interested in. The programs I've practiced with so far seem incredibly easy to navigate compared to the legion of programs I was expected to master for the tech support thing. Oh, I forgot to mention... No more cheese factory. I'm very depressed about that. Everything seemed to be going so well - until it wasn't and I was laid off. Oh well. I'm also filling out every possible application I can get my hands on and forwarding my resume to any HR department I can. I have two scheduled interviews: both for management of some kind. Shocking, I know. But, that's the kind of paycheck I would like to have again and the lifestyle to accompany it. So, I have an interview for restaurant management next weekend and an interview for retail management the weekend after. The retail management would be a better fit for my experience and skill set, would offer a better salary, but might require me to relocate at some point. It's in Pennsylvania and most of the locations are at least an hour away, if not nearly two. The restaurant management position is local and would not require relocation (at least not any time soon), but I do not know the salary for that and I have limited food service experience. Anyway, those are currently my two best prospects for meaningful employment. I continue to fill out apps daily. At this point, I'm not even entirely sure where I have and have not applied anymore, the latter is a much, much shorter list though. I won't stop until I have a better job. I've even been looking in the Akron area for employment. It would be a drive, if not for the fact that...

Clay asked me to move in with him. I don't think I reacted at all. I probably smirked though. I've been seeing him and Woody, which isn't a secret to either of them. It's been casual. I like them both for different reasons. I should address that triangle configuration in a separate post. I didn't expect Clay to extend that offer. I hadn't seriously considered it at the time, but if I found meaningful employment in that area I might have to reconsider.

In the meantime, it's just me and the pup this weekend since my sister went to Virginia for the week. Even if I wanted to go out, I really can't afford to do so at the moment. Besides, I have more applications to fill out. Finding a better job is my new job. My goal is to have something before my current orientation is complete. I have seven more weeks to make that happen. No time to lose.

Meet me at Lock 3

First of all, parking in downtown Akron is a bitch. Fortunately, it's all free after 6pm if you can find any. Once you have parked, downtown Akron is absolutely amazing.



I was meeting Behry at Lock 3. He had invited me to this album release party at Musica Friday night for this band. He was friends with the singer and had an extra ticket that was meant for a bud who backed out at the last minute. I didn't mind being the stand-in. I haven't been to a concert in forever and free is free. This invite came at the conclusion of a day long chat exchange we had on Thursday. Yeah, things were moving along quickly. Anyway, we met at Lock 3 and had dinner and pre-show drinks at the bar across the street from it: Lockview.



I tried 3 different brands of Ocktoberfest beer and ordered the muenster grilled cheese with pesto and cucumber. The place was cool. I liked the atmosphere. It used to be a music spot before the owner decided he'd get robbed less if it was just a bar and eatery.



If Behry hadn't guided me there expertly, I'm not sure I would have found Musica on my own. It was tucked into an alley. Very low key and dark except for the giant neon sign suggesting this was a place to dance. Which, no one did, by the way.



Since it was the album release party for We Are Public Radio, everyone in attendance was getting a copy of the album for free just for coming to the show. Plus, there were three other local bands set to perform. I was a little excited about all of it.



Goodbye River was already on stage when we got there. Female singer who was completely overwhelmed and drowned out by the boys in the band. Probably would have been a decent set if we could hear and understand the chick. Who knows, though.



After Z followed and completely killed it. This was the surprise act of the evening that no one saw coming. In a word: amazing. I made a deal with Behry: I'd buy the drinks if he bought their album and burnt me a copy. He better follow through on his end. I need more of this music.



I don't remember enough about Rhett Edwards to post anything except that he was there and performed something.



We Are Public Radio finally took the stage. They were good. Very, very mellow. I can't say I enjoyed them nearly as much as After Z. I've been listening to the free album since then and my opinions haven't changed. After Z stole the show and my fan loyalty.

Too drunk to drive by the end of the night, I passed out in my car and slept it off in a parking deck in downtown Akron before waking up at nearly 6am and driving straight to work for some overtime and a delightful, lingering hangover.

Shenanigans at the gay bar

We took separate cars to the gay bar. Clay and Ronnie went in Clay's Escalade. I went with Woody and Bear in Bear's... Dodge Caravan.



Oh, yeah. I forgot about Bear. Bear is a large Irish guy who drives a crappy minivan. He's not nearly as large as the man in the photo above, but I love that photo and may never have another opportunity to use it in a post, so... Anyway, Bear is hilarious. He dressed up as a leprachuan for Halloween last year. It's the second most hilarious Halloween photo I've ever seen. The most hilarious Halloween photo I've ever seen was of someone dressed as Captain Janeway from Startrek Voyager. I wish I could post both of those photos, but I don't have copies of either. I was merely shown them by Woody.



"Ronnie, I have a confession to make. I showed Joshua a photo of you."
"Of course you did. Why? Why would you show him that?"

Ronnie was incredibly embarrassed that I had seen his Captain Janeway Halloween costume. Woody had shown it to me a week before and then again after I met Ronnie for the first time. I didn't even make the connection until the second time. He had to shave his beard and everything, but he pulled it off perfectly. He was a dead match for Captain Janeway. It was eery. It was also the best drag attempt I've ever seen. Then Woody made an observation of his own.

"I think Ronnie thinks you're hot. Otherwise, he would have been proud of that photo. He must like you or he wouldn't have been so embarrassed that I showed you that photo."

That was incredibly good news because I had developed a serious man crush on Ronnie since the first time I saw him in person. I wanted to pursue that possibility a little further but I was interrupted by the sudden appearance of bright yellow Jockey briefs thrown dramatically onto the table we were gathered around by some queen who had strutted over from the outdoor bar and exclaimed "I think one of you lost these!"



We hadn't been in the place ten minutes and there was already a pair of underwear on the table. Also partially shown in the photo are Gay Tony and Straight Johnny who we met up with at the gay bar - more friends of Woody from his work. Not shown in the photo because he wasn't present that night would be Straight Ryan, also a friend of Woody from work who apparently was the owner of the underwear in question which he had lost them somehow during a previous visit. Anyway, Ronnie slipped away during the whole fiasco and I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I had lost interest in him way before the end of the night anyway. He was cute, but that was about it. He might have simply been overly embarrassed by the fact that I had seen him in drag from last Halloween, but he was also trying to pick up other guys. That's fine, but my interest ends at that juncture. Besides, I was completely distracted by Akron Leatherman 2012 (his title was conveniently bedazzled on the back of his leather vest) who was in attendance and had decided to pull on the pair of bright yellow Jockeys over his leather get-up and proceeded to dance the night away looking like a more obviously homosexual leather fetish Robin. Meanwhile, I actually ended up spending most of the evening bantering back and forth with his roommate Clay. Clay is a total smart ass which occasionally boarders on assholedom, but... I can be like that, too. We definitely proved to be worthy opponents for each other.

There's just something about a bad boy that is difficult to ignore or resist. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I can't. The same way I'm drawn into ridiculous shenanigans.



Photo credit to GitEmSteveDave. Awesome gif. Props.

I wanna take you to a gay bar.

"Are you coming along, too?"
"Um. Well..." I'm secretly horrified by the idea. "Absolutely. Of course."
"You're not wearing that, are you?"
"No. I have pants somewhere that I can wear."
"You look like you're ready for a basketball game."
"That's hilarious on a few different levels."




Clay, who I've only just met, has been ripping on me for the duration. He looks like Ron Perlman's character from Sons of Anarchy and he even rides a bike. He isn't actually wearing his leather biker get-up, but he might as well be. I can still see it on him. I'm somewhat intimidated by him and curious about his constant attention to me. But I am the new guy, afterall. I'm fresh meat. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe not. I probably don't want to know. I finish my beer instead and Clay just smirks at me. He's one of the four other guys crammed with me inside Woody's office. His roommate Ronnie came with him.



Ronnie looks like a stocky Jake Gyllenhaal with a full beard. He has truly amazing eyes and would be the hottest man I've ever met if he wasn't such a hot mess. If he ever gets his shit together - well, even if he doesn't... Who am I kidding? The man is gorgeous. But, like I said, he's a hot damn mess. Also, Ronnie has been waiting to hear back from this guy he was supposed to meet tonight for drinks. Clay drug him along to get him drunk and hopefully make him less of a moody little bitch. I met both of them through Woody.



Woody (who looks like Woody Harrelson but thinner and with a goatee) is a character and he knows absolutely everyone - and absolutely everyone knows him. By association with him, I'm getting to know absolutely everyone as well. If I'm ever anywhere in Akron, I can drop his name and everything will be all good. Anyway, we met a week ago. He's a cool guy, but not for me, so we just hang out once a week. It wasn't necessarily the cats, either. Woody has 6 felines that have completely taken over his home. He's the crazy cat lady of the Akron gay community. It wasn't necessarily NOT the cats, though. They may have had something to do with it.

It's funny because I met him the week after the horrible fair date I went on (which I'm still intending on posting about at some point). The same day I met him, I started talking to another guy. This other guy was at the same fair I went to on my date, and again later with my sister, and he was looking for someone to hang out with him. I wasn't about to have myself another terrible fair date experience and I told him about it. Well, he insisted it would go much, much differently if I accepted his invitation. But, I was already meeting Woody and I still wasn't feeling the fair so he asked me to another fair happening on the following weekend. Since Woody turned out to be more buddy material than anything, I eventually agreed. And, since Woody knows absolutely everyone and the guy was from that area, I asked him about the other guy.

"Of course I know who that is. That's my ex-husband."
"No, it isn't."
"It sure is. He ask you to the fair?"
"Shut the fuck up. He did. He actually asked me to two different fairs."
"Of course he did. He loves fairs. I shouldn't be surprised. I know what he likes or what he looks for. He would eat you with a spoon."

This story, naturally, has become an instant legend in my new circle. Clay and Ronnie laughed for about twenty minutes straight over it. I laughed for about ten when I originally found out and I still chuckle over it now. I didn't go, obviously. That's a little weird. Also, he's more of a mess than Ronnie. I'm not about all that drama.

We're all crammed together in his office doing some drinking and chainsmoking. I'm relieved any time the conversation isn't centered directly on me. But, I'm the new guy and everyone wants to know all about me - Clay especially.

"So, when you're not chatting up my boy's ex-husband... What do you do?"
"I work in a factory."
"Blue collar guy. You're just all kinds of rough trade, aren't you?"
"Look who's talking, SAMCRO."
"Bit of a pistol, too. I like that."
"You have no idea."
"Guess I'll have to find out. Are you coming along, too?"

So, we're back to that question. Woody wanted to go out, so he invited some friends to go with him. I decided I wasn't really into it (especially since I've never gone to a gay bar in my entire life - something I told absolutely NO ONE in that group) so I was going home whenever they all showed up. But, then Clay and Ronnie showed up. Ronnie was the reason I hadn't left already. Sure, he had something going on already but that obviously wasn't working out. I wasn't interested in starting anything with him, but I did want to hang out with him and gaze dreamily into those eyes a while longer.

Also, I was tired of Clay's shit. Damn right, I'm going.

(...to be continued)