I think I just did the impossible. I escaped internet customer service hell.

"Hello, I'd like to cancel my account today. I would have liked for it to have been canceled after one of many previous calls to do so, but that hasn't happened yet. I realize now that I have to be a little more direct. I am not going to pay you any more for services I don't use, so you should delete my account and leave me alone."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear you are wanting to cancel your account today."
"Yeah, for the third time."
"Oh, I see. I am sorry for the confusion."
"Me, too. Cancellation confirmation number is..."
"Well, since you have been a valued customer for so long-"
"Oh, shit, here we go."
"I'm sorry. I do not understand."
"I do. You're going to offer me some ridiculous upgrade and service contract instead of an immediate cancellation of all services, which - if you remember from only seconds ago - is what I want and am asking for."
"Well, I am pleased to be informing you that you are most correct and we can offer you an upgrade to DSL for an introductory offer for the next six months for the small charge of only $6.95. You should take advantage of this wonderful opportunity. Would you like for me to be doing that for you today."
"...."
"Hello?"
"Hi."
"So, would you like to be upgrading to DSL with us today?"
"No, I wouldn't like that at all. I don't use your service. I don't need your service, I already have a high speed internet provider and I don't feel that I should have to continue to pay you any amount - no matter how small it is - for services I don't need, want, or use. I don't use PeoplePC. I did... two years ago. I've had my account suspended indefinitely, but not canceled, and then reactivated without my authorization. I've also had all kinds of wonderful, mysterious, and unnecessary charges to random bank and credit accounts in the meantime, but I have as of yet been unsuccessful in canceling my account with you and I'm getting moderately frustrated. If there's an alternate phone number I need, you should just give it to me. I mean, seriously, what do I need to do? Do I need to cancel all my credit cards and reopen a new bank account or can you simply do what the hell I'm asking you to do? Cancel my account. It's literally going to take you probably 3 mouse clicks to do it. So... click, click, click. Let's make it happen."
"Well, I appreciate you taking the time to explain your concerns with me and I would be happy to assist you in the cancellation of your account today. I apologize for offering you an additional service to consider. I did not intend to distract you from your reason of calling and I simply was offering it in case you might be interested in such great savings."
"Ok. And?"
"I am looking up your account information now. One moment please."
"..."

Ten minutes of offers to upgrade, suspend, and otherwise adjust but not cancel the account continues. I am firm but refrain from any belligerence. Whatever motives and incentives this representative may be influenced by, she is a necessary ally in this endeavor and I must maintain our relationship if I have any hope of actually pulling this whole thing off today. I have already noticed that she is not as aggressive or manipulative as her predecessors. Perhaps, she is fresh out of the training program. I'm not sure. Maybe she just hates her fucking job and is merely going through the motions to pay her bills. In any case, I've already detected several weaknesses in her suggestive sales and counter arguments. She even pauses for a moment when I blatantly deny or refuse to consider anything she might be saying at that moment. The fact that she even accessed my account without getting me to agree to some ridiculous new terms of service means I'm that much closer to closing the door on this mess.

"Ok. Your account will be active until the next billing cycle which for you will be... Oh. I see that today is actually the end of your current billing cycle."
"That is correct and not a coincidence, by the way. I've played this game before."
"Haha. Ok. So then your account will be ended today and I will provide you with a cancellation number."
"Excellent."
"I am glad I was able to assist you today. I hope that you will keep PeoplePC in mind for the future if you ever need a DSL or dial-up internet provider with extremely affordable rates. We would be most happy to have you return to us at that time."
"I can honestly say that I'll never be able to get my experiences with you out of my mind and that I'll remember my time with you for the rest of my days online."
"Thank you. Stay safe and have a great day."
"Absolutely. You, too."