They just look at me. The older one is perched on one of those motorized scooters. The younger one has left her milk crate to approach me. She looks back at the other one. I'm not sure they heard me so I repeat myself.
"Seriously? You must be joking."
"Is there something funny about me and my mother being poor and hungry?"
"I didn't imply that and no."
"So, can you help us out?"
"I don't carry cash."
"Who doesn't carry cash?"
"Aside from the obvious?" They're looking confused again. I need to save the wit for those who can appreciate it. My readers, perhaps? "By that, I mean you." Still nothing. "I don't! As I just now said mere seconds ago."
"Well... maybe you can give us a ride to McDonald's or something? Buy us some happy meals to make us feel better? Might make you feel better, too."
"Where would I put the scooter?"
"Oh, she could wait here for us. She could wait all day if she needed to." There's something about the way she's looking at me. It's not entirely unlike hunger, only I'm the meat. That's a crazy thought, but those eyes are insane and they want something from me. Something that isn't food. "Might be nice with just the two of us. Might be real nice." Oh my fucking-
"Are you... hitting on me?"
"What's wrong, sweetie?"
"I already regret asking this, but..." Forgive me for how horrible this is going to be, but I'm fairly certain that I read the situation correctly. And, I wasn't happy about it. The happy meals connection just makes it all that much creepier and dirty. "Are you trying to barter with me? Are you soliciting me for chicken nuggets in exchange for... sex?"
"No one said anything about chicken nuggets or sex, darling. But, would that be so bad?"
"Yes, it would. Also, illegal." I look at the older woman who has been content to remain perfectly silent throughout this exchange. "Are you proud of yourself? This is your daughter, right? The direct product of your upbringing and guidance? I have that right, don't I?" She nods and looks down the sidewalk. I also look around. I'm surprised we haven't acquired a crowd. Everyone is a little too busy in Charleston to give a damn, especially in this neighborhood. I should have expected it. I was completely unprepared for this.
"So, what do you say?"
"I say no. I say that if you were legitimately hungry and in need, that I would gladly go to the grocer right now and buy you a loaf of bread and a pack of bologna. I would also not expect sex in return. Actually, I'd do it and expect no sex in return. None. Just the groceries. For free. For you. For nothing."
"What would we do with that?"
"Feed yourselves for a week and for a fraction of the cost of a fucking happy meal."
"We just want some food, honey. We're hungry."
"No, you're really not. Get your skank asses to a shelter. Alright? Stop hassling people. I know the holiday season is upon us and that means it's open season for you people to prey on the heartstrings of the sensitive and meek, but you've got the wrong guy. You have no idea."
"You're a heartless, soulless, evil sonuvabitch."
"Whoa, there. You need to back that up. I'm not the one whoring myself for fast food."
"Well... if you weren't an evil Yankee bastard, you'd help us out."
"Is it that obvious? It's because I enunciate, isn't it? Possibly also the vocabulary, I imagine. Wait. That's ridiculous. That was arrogant and condescending, even for me."
"It's ok. We're know we're not that smart, but we're still people. Poor, hungry people."
"Yes, I agree with all of that. I just don't think I should generalize an entire population based on a small, select, unfortunate portion of it. I happen to love West Virginia." Those are smiles. I have neutralized the debate. Before I lose them again, I need to make my position clear. "Listen, I'd love to help you out. I would. But, I'm simply not going to. I still could, even considering everything that's just happened, but I won't. Maybe I should, but I'm not a perfect, selfless person. I'm basically good, most of the time. I have a heart. I care. But, I'm a man of principle before any of that other shit. I do believe in charity, but on my terms and without the panhandling and harassment. As I said, I'd gladly help you out if I felt you were truly in need. But, I don't think you are. I mean, you're in want maybe, but you're not in need. There's a very significant difference."
"What does that mean?"
"Maybe this will help: beggars can't be choosers and if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." They're doing that confused, distant, glass eye thing again. I expected that. "As my grandmother would say: Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which one fills up first."
"You're the devil!"
"Could be. Or it could also be that I don't take too kindly to bitches asking me for money as I'm coming out of the unemployment office."
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Self-sabotage and other ways to spend a Sunday afternoon.
I lost my mind today. I went completely psychotic for about an hour.
Not because I missed the late registration dates for my ACT test date of choice, either. I found that out later, but I had used my surplus of rage by then and this disappoint barely phased me. Whatever. So, I'm not going to register for a test date until I know with some amount of certainty what exactly I'll be doing x months from now or even what state I might possibly be in. Although, my first practice test was extremely reassuring. I have to work on math a little. English, reading, and science were flawless. I'm not surprised. I was a little surprised with the math. It's above the standard, but when has that ever been good enough for anything? Never. So, yes. I will be improving that score in the meantime. So, it wasn't that.
No. I thought I lost my wallet.
I decided to go out somewhere. I think I was hungry. I got dressed and I was ready to leave the apartment, but then I was having a wardrobe issue. The jeans... I have not warn them in about a year. Hated them then, still hate them now. So, I took them off, folded them up, and put them in the bag I had already started for my next Goodwill donation.
I'm all about the Goodwill donations right now. I can't stop giving all my shit to Goodwill. I just can't. It's a good thing. They can sell it to fund some great counseling programs and charities while truly unfortunate people can buy my used (or more accurately in most cases, my never used) goods at a fraction of what I originally paid for them and I can clear all the clutter out of my residence and simply be able to move through rooms without calling on my sweet parkour skills to navigate the towering piles of bullshit that once dominated the terrain.
Anyway, I didn't really feel like getting dressed again so I went back to whatever I was doing. Then, I realized how hungry I was. I could either stay half-dressed and make something to eat for myself or I could get dressed again and get some drive-thru action going. I decided I would rather not be bothered with making food, so I got dressed again and went to leave but I could not find my wallet.
I then went completely and totally insane.
I tore my apartment apart. Not really, but kinda. I was neat about it even though I was completely frantic. I didn't want to have to clean the place up again on top of having to find my misplaced wallet. I was at least that sane. I looked everywhere. I even tried to remember all the articles of pocketed clothing and shoulder bags I had employed over the previous few days. I looked in every room of my apartment. I looked anywhere I could. I even checked inside the refrigerator and both garbage cans. (Do not ask me to justify those decisions. I did it. It happened.) I searched my Jeep twice.
This went on for about an hour. Thirty minutes into it, I started to panic that I might have dropped it somewhere. I kicked around the leaves outside hoping I had simply dropped it while walking from the Jeep to my front door. I had been struggling to maintain control of my cargo the night before, so it seemed reasonable. I did not want to admit the possibility of having left it at one of the many (possibly eight) different places I had been the previous evening. I had gone to the mall. Enough said.
On yet another side note, I didn't allow my natural impulses to overwhelm me like they typically do any time I happen to allow myself the mistake of a trip to the mall. No, I was very savvy about it. I bought what I needed and I left. What I needed was an ACT prep book and the supplementary flash cards. I also needed gas and beverages, so I made a few more stops. But, I was very, very careful not to spend too much money at the mall. I'm a little proud of myself for that. That's quite an accomplishment for me. Seriously.
Just I had completely given up the search and sat down at my desk to access all of my online accounts to cancel everything I could, I had a revelation. Obviously, the first place I should have logically looked for my wallet is the same place I eventually found it. But, I had completely forgotten about even having tried on those first pair of horrible jeans. Turns out I had left my wallet inside them and nearly donated it to Goodwill with them. Can you imagine? I don't want to, but I can.
Worst of all, I have no motivation to actually follow through with my original intentions of going out for something to eat and I still refuse to make anything myself, so...
I'm so hungry and frustrated. I'm a ridiculous person.
Not because I missed the late registration dates for my ACT test date of choice, either. I found that out later, but I had used my surplus of rage by then and this disappoint barely phased me. Whatever. So, I'm not going to register for a test date until I know with some amount of certainty what exactly I'll be doing x months from now or even what state I might possibly be in. Although, my first practice test was extremely reassuring. I have to work on math a little. English, reading, and science were flawless. I'm not surprised. I was a little surprised with the math. It's above the standard, but when has that ever been good enough for anything? Never. So, yes. I will be improving that score in the meantime. So, it wasn't that.
No. I thought I lost my wallet.
I decided to go out somewhere. I think I was hungry. I got dressed and I was ready to leave the apartment, but then I was having a wardrobe issue. The jeans... I have not warn them in about a year. Hated them then, still hate them now. So, I took them off, folded them up, and put them in the bag I had already started for my next Goodwill donation.
I'm all about the Goodwill donations right now. I can't stop giving all my shit to Goodwill. I just can't. It's a good thing. They can sell it to fund some great counseling programs and charities while truly unfortunate people can buy my used (or more accurately in most cases, my never used) goods at a fraction of what I originally paid for them and I can clear all the clutter out of my residence and simply be able to move through rooms without calling on my sweet parkour skills to navigate the towering piles of bullshit that once dominated the terrain.
Anyway, I didn't really feel like getting dressed again so I went back to whatever I was doing. Then, I realized how hungry I was. I could either stay half-dressed and make something to eat for myself or I could get dressed again and get some drive-thru action going. I decided I would rather not be bothered with making food, so I got dressed again and went to leave but I could not find my wallet.
I then went completely and totally insane.
I tore my apartment apart. Not really, but kinda. I was neat about it even though I was completely frantic. I didn't want to have to clean the place up again on top of having to find my misplaced wallet. I was at least that sane. I looked everywhere. I even tried to remember all the articles of pocketed clothing and shoulder bags I had employed over the previous few days. I looked in every room of my apartment. I looked anywhere I could. I even checked inside the refrigerator and both garbage cans. (Do not ask me to justify those decisions. I did it. It happened.) I searched my Jeep twice.
This went on for about an hour. Thirty minutes into it, I started to panic that I might have dropped it somewhere. I kicked around the leaves outside hoping I had simply dropped it while walking from the Jeep to my front door. I had been struggling to maintain control of my cargo the night before, so it seemed reasonable. I did not want to admit the possibility of having left it at one of the many (possibly eight) different places I had been the previous evening. I had gone to the mall. Enough said.
On yet another side note, I didn't allow my natural impulses to overwhelm me like they typically do any time I happen to allow myself the mistake of a trip to the mall. No, I was very savvy about it. I bought what I needed and I left. What I needed was an ACT prep book and the supplementary flash cards. I also needed gas and beverages, so I made a few more stops. But, I was very, very careful not to spend too much money at the mall. I'm a little proud of myself for that. That's quite an accomplishment for me. Seriously.
Just I had completely given up the search and sat down at my desk to access all of my online accounts to cancel everything I could, I had a revelation. Obviously, the first place I should have logically looked for my wallet is the same place I eventually found it. But, I had completely forgotten about even having tried on those first pair of horrible jeans. Turns out I had left my wallet inside them and nearly donated it to Goodwill with them. Can you imagine? I don't want to, but I can.
Worst of all, I have no motivation to actually follow through with my original intentions of going out for something to eat and I still refuse to make anything myself, so...
I'm so hungry and frustrated. I'm a ridiculous person.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Start having a great life... Immediately!
I've been thoroughly enjoying not working so far. Seriously. It's awesome.
I spent Thanksgiving with some former co-workers. That was really good for me. I didn't want to go because of the questions I might have to answer about my sudden dismissal and I also didn't want to bring everyone down on the holiday. But, it wasn't a big deal. I made it clear that I wasn't going to talk about it and that was good enough. They did ask me what the hell I'm going to do now.
I don't fucking know and that's the truth.
Until I figure out something, I'm going to take the ACT next month and send the scores to a number of educational institutions. I'll be forwarding the results to campuses in West Virginia, Ohio, and South Dakota. South Dakota? Yes, my mother lives there. I'm not deciding anything until I know what my actual options are. I do want to go to school and I'm about done with customer service and/or management. I may have to continue to do either/both until I get a degree, but at least I'll have a very defined goal of getting away from it as soon as I possibly can. I even know my major and possible minors, but that will just have to be a surprise.
You'll laugh. Trust me. It's insane, especially for me. But, it's what I want and it's something I'd like to pursue. I continue to surprise myself.
I've been actively reducing the bulk of my possessions in case I do have to move - which seems incredibly likely in the event I am unsuccessful at finding reasonable work here. I have bills to pay, you know? If I don't have to move, at least the apartment will be far less cluttered. I don't want to end up on Hoarders, although I hear it's a fascinating program. Anyway, I may have to make yet another trip to Goodwill to unload stuff that I've never used and most likely never will.
I'm also going to Charleston on Monday to apply for unemployment. That will ease alot of the financial stress of my situation while I try to find a more permanent solution. I'm currently browsing job ads in three states and have submitted e-mails of intent and interest to a few promising prospects. There are even a few offering a competitive salary to my former one. Very exciting. I paid the rent with my most recent (final is still pending) paycheck, so I'm good until the new year. That gives me a month to figure things out and try to get back on track before I have to seriously consider my alternative options. We shall see.
I haven't sold anything off yet. I don't think it'll come to it, but if I need to liquidate my possessions... The first item to go will be my television. Then the exercise bike and/or weight bench. Then the Wii. Then multimedia. Then... I'm keeping the computer. I don't care. I'll sell my Jeep and buy a bicycle before I give up my computer. It's that simple. I'll just have to limit my job search to this town proper or possibly move into the city and rely on public transportation. There are alot of apartments that are much cheaper but are probably in terrible neighborhoods... I don't even want to think about it. That's last resort. I'd move home before I considered that a viable option. No way.
I need to send out my Christmas gift boxes when I get my final paycheck. I have them basically completed. I need to fill them with bubble wrap and get them addressed and shipped off. It's actually a really good thing that I bought everything weeks ago before this happened or it'd be another low budget, seriously crappy holiday.
Anyway, I'm not freaking out yet. I have confidence that I'll figure this out and it won't even be the big deal it could have been. I'm not giving up and I'm fairly optimistic about everything. Weird, but true.
I spent Thanksgiving with some former co-workers. That was really good for me. I didn't want to go because of the questions I might have to answer about my sudden dismissal and I also didn't want to bring everyone down on the holiday. But, it wasn't a big deal. I made it clear that I wasn't going to talk about it and that was good enough. They did ask me what the hell I'm going to do now.
I don't fucking know and that's the truth.
Until I figure out something, I'm going to take the ACT next month and send the scores to a number of educational institutions. I'll be forwarding the results to campuses in West Virginia, Ohio, and South Dakota. South Dakota? Yes, my mother lives there. I'm not deciding anything until I know what my actual options are. I do want to go to school and I'm about done with customer service and/or management. I may have to continue to do either/both until I get a degree, but at least I'll have a very defined goal of getting away from it as soon as I possibly can. I even know my major and possible minors, but that will just have to be a surprise.
You'll laugh. Trust me. It's insane, especially for me. But, it's what I want and it's something I'd like to pursue. I continue to surprise myself.
I've been actively reducing the bulk of my possessions in case I do have to move - which seems incredibly likely in the event I am unsuccessful at finding reasonable work here. I have bills to pay, you know? If I don't have to move, at least the apartment will be far less cluttered. I don't want to end up on Hoarders, although I hear it's a fascinating program. Anyway, I may have to make yet another trip to Goodwill to unload stuff that I've never used and most likely never will.
I'm also going to Charleston on Monday to apply for unemployment. That will ease alot of the financial stress of my situation while I try to find a more permanent solution. I'm currently browsing job ads in three states and have submitted e-mails of intent and interest to a few promising prospects. There are even a few offering a competitive salary to my former one. Very exciting. I paid the rent with my most recent (final is still pending) paycheck, so I'm good until the new year. That gives me a month to figure things out and try to get back on track before I have to seriously consider my alternative options. We shall see.
I haven't sold anything off yet. I don't think it'll come to it, but if I need to liquidate my possessions... The first item to go will be my television. Then the exercise bike and/or weight bench. Then the Wii. Then multimedia. Then... I'm keeping the computer. I don't care. I'll sell my Jeep and buy a bicycle before I give up my computer. It's that simple. I'll just have to limit my job search to this town proper or possibly move into the city and rely on public transportation. There are alot of apartments that are much cheaper but are probably in terrible neighborhoods... I don't even want to think about it. That's last resort. I'd move home before I considered that a viable option. No way.
I need to send out my Christmas gift boxes when I get my final paycheck. I have them basically completed. I need to fill them with bubble wrap and get them addressed and shipped off. It's actually a really good thing that I bought everything weeks ago before this happened or it'd be another low budget, seriously crappy holiday.
Anyway, I'm not freaking out yet. I have confidence that I'll figure this out and it won't even be the big deal it could have been. I'm not giving up and I'm fairly optimistic about everything. Weird, but true.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
To swim you have to swallow.
I'm not doing NaNoWriMo. Obviously. I stopped writing after the first week. I had serious shit going on - which is still actually going on and probably will continue to go on indefinitely, so whatev. Fuck it. I don't even care. It's been a shit year anyway and I should have simply expected it to not go quietly into that good night. But... seriously? I'm not in the mood. I'm really not. I'm not in the mood to write. I'm not in the mood to talk. I'm not in the mood to be around anyone at all ever. I'm not in the mood for the holiday season which is going to just drag on and on and on. I'll be able to fully appreciate how slowly time is progressing since I won't be distracted by things like work.
Yeah, I'm unemployed as of an hour and a half ago.
I knew it was coming. It's not a surprise. I don't feel... I just don't feel. I'm completely empty and weightless. I'm also completely sleep-deprived and insane because I've been stressing about this for months. Just when I start to relax - Surprise! My life is even more fucked up than previously assumed possible.
Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it to any degree ever. Don't ask. Just leave it the fuck alone. It's not important and even less interesting, to be honest.
I seriously doubt I'm staying in West Virginia. What the hell for? Seriously. The only people I even know in this state are people from work - ex-work, whatev - so, no. I don't want to bring them down and just be this awkward presence.
I was invited to a Thanksgiving party type thing tomorrow. I'm not going. Some of them - if not all - will know by then. And they'll have questions I don't want to answer and can just as easily avoid by simply not being there. Besides, it'll totally ruin everything. Me being there and this new situation... I'm just not going. I should say goodbye or something and salvage some kind of holiday with these people before I never see them again, but...
It's not like I was ever any good at sticking around. It's not like I've ever made much of an effort to say goodbye. I just disappear and it's like I never was. Magic. Terrible, fucked up magic.
So, anyway. No novel and I'm not even disappointed. I have bigger things to worry about and it's not even on my radar of things I could give a shit about if I even wanted to. I just thought I should update you on why my word count hasn't moved in weeks and why I haven't been posting either.
I've been in limbo for the better part of the month. It's a very uncomfortable and stressful place to be. Now, I feel weightless and free. I don't know why. I suppose it's because I can do practically anything at all now. I can make any number of decisions or mistakes regarding where my life is going from here, but I won't have to account for a career in any plans I make for the immediate future.
That's not a good or bad thing, it's just... It just is, I guess.
Yeah, I'm unemployed as of an hour and a half ago.
I knew it was coming. It's not a surprise. I don't feel... I just don't feel. I'm completely empty and weightless. I'm also completely sleep-deprived and insane because I've been stressing about this for months. Just when I start to relax - Surprise! My life is even more fucked up than previously assumed possible.
Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it to any degree ever. Don't ask. Just leave it the fuck alone. It's not important and even less interesting, to be honest.
I seriously doubt I'm staying in West Virginia. What the hell for? Seriously. The only people I even know in this state are people from work - ex-work, whatev - so, no. I don't want to bring them down and just be this awkward presence.
I was invited to a Thanksgiving party type thing tomorrow. I'm not going. Some of them - if not all - will know by then. And they'll have questions I don't want to answer and can just as easily avoid by simply not being there. Besides, it'll totally ruin everything. Me being there and this new situation... I'm just not going. I should say goodbye or something and salvage some kind of holiday with these people before I never see them again, but...
It's not like I was ever any good at sticking around. It's not like I've ever made much of an effort to say goodbye. I just disappear and it's like I never was. Magic. Terrible, fucked up magic.
So, anyway. No novel and I'm not even disappointed. I have bigger things to worry about and it's not even on my radar of things I could give a shit about if I even wanted to. I just thought I should update you on why my word count hasn't moved in weeks and why I haven't been posting either.
I've been in limbo for the better part of the month. It's a very uncomfortable and stressful place to be. Now, I feel weightless and free. I don't know why. I suppose it's because I can do practically anything at all now. I can make any number of decisions or mistakes regarding where my life is going from here, but I won't have to account for a career in any plans I make for the immediate future.
That's not a good or bad thing, it's just... It just is, I guess.
Friday, November 5, 2010
1,667 words/day.
Labels:
1000 Words
You may have noticed I haven't posted in awhile. Trust me, I've had a few things to post about:
New tenants stealing my cable/internet.
Halloween. (with photo, maybe)
My contribution to Goodwill.
But I'm probably not going to do any more posts until December, and by then I'll have several more things to post about in addition to those pending topics. If I ever leave my apartment, which I probably won't except for work. So, see you in December.
December?
Yes, December.
But, why?
Well, you may or may not have noticed a new box to the right at the top of my menu bar. This little icon displays my current word count for NaNoWriMo. Follow that link to learn about the program or sign up for it yourself. We can be WriMates. Basically, I'm writing a 50,000 word novel. I have only the thirty days of November in which to write at least 50,000 words and complete the novel. At the time of this post, I'm at 10,333 on November 5. I have 25 days left in which to write the additional 39,667 words.
Exciting, right?
New tenants stealing my cable/internet.
Halloween. (with photo, maybe)
My contribution to Goodwill.
But I'm probably not going to do any more posts until December, and by then I'll have several more things to post about in addition to those pending topics. If I ever leave my apartment, which I probably won't except for work. So, see you in December.
December?
Yes, December.
But, why?
Well, you may or may not have noticed a new box to the right at the top of my menu bar. This little icon displays my current word count for NaNoWriMo. Follow that link to learn about the program or sign up for it yourself. We can be WriMates. Basically, I'm writing a 50,000 word novel. I have only the thirty days of November in which to write at least 50,000 words and complete the novel. At the time of this post, I'm at 10,333 on November 5. I have 25 days left in which to write the additional 39,667 words.
Exciting, right?
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