One more ridiculous week later.

It's Monday. I should be getting a call sometime this week about my interview. I'm trying not to allow myself to feel anything either way about it - at least, not until I know anything either way about it. I obsess too much about these things. That can be good and bad. I mean, I didn't sleep for two days over a simply interview. It's nice to be excited about something. It's nice to have something to anticipate and experience. On the other hand, it's not productive to get all worked up about something just to be completely disappointed by the outcome. Not that I'm pessimistic, mind you. I'm just realistic. Yes, but more than that. Ambivalent would be a more appropriate appraisal. I think I have the job and I think I don't in equal measures. That sort of conflict used to drive my overly-analytical mind of absolute reason completely mad. I couldn't manage any possible paradox. I couldn't manage the conflicting data. I understand the duality of existence much better now. I accept it. It's more reasonable to me to accept two contradictions as both being true simultaneously and in spite of each other than simply denouncing both because a stalemate occurs with no foreseeable possibility of absolute resolution.

Did I mention that I have a tendency to obsess? I believe I did.

Anyway, it's a lot less stressful to simply wait for clarity and closure than to rack my brain trying to determine which - if any - is more likely. As it stands, neither seems more so. So, why worry about it? I'm not. It is what it is. Will be what it is or isn't, anyway.

Spoke to my landlord last week. He was distressed about the situation. I'm a model tenant, after all. He offered to talk to someone in the area for me. His contact owns and operates a chain of fast food establishments in the area. He offered to speak to him and put in a good word for me if I'm interested. I could fast track into management if I was determined to stay in the area. If I was determined to stay in the area, I might actually consider it. Then again, maybe not. Ok, definitely not. It's nice to know I've got options, though. Similarly nice to know I've got people concerned about me and willing to offer some form of assistance even if it's less than helpful and desirable. I do appreciate it. I do realize the gesture is more about my continued contribution to my landlord's financial stability than it is about any form of sentiment. I'm not an idiot and neither is he. It's just good business. Regardless, I still appreciate it.

I've been focusing alot of my free time - abundant as it has been lately - to preparing the apartment for its impending return to vacancy. I've repaired the damage my futon did to the wall in the living room. I replaced all the vents and ceiling tiles I removed during the cable theft incident. I haven't put the smoke detectors back in place because they're still overly sensitive and I may still cook yet, but I know where they are and will return them on my way out. I've been cleaning like mad and I'm completely packed except for the things I need to simply live for the time being: 10% of my wardrobe, 25% of my kitchen collection, 75% of my entertainment/multimedia components. I have very established priorities which I will maintain with a nearly militant determination. I really prefer the spartan look. I honestly don't think I need any of the shit I have boxed up and stacked in my bedroom. Whatever happens, I think I need to start cutting down on the vast collection of bullshit I've amassed. I've been working on that for awhile, but I could definitely commit even more to that effort. Hopefully, I will at some point.

Maybe tomorrow I'll know something that matters - assuming any of this actually does.

Dress appropriately.

I've slept now. It makes such an unbelievable difference. I removed the post I made yesterday morning just before I got ready to go to my highly anticipated job interview in Charleston. I just get so excited, nervous, and anxious before interviews, tests, competitions, performances, whatever. I never sleep the night before the big day. I can't. My brain unhinges and my mind goes nearly psychotic and hyperactive.

The interview went fairly well. It was obvious I didn't know a whole lot about the organization, but I was completely upfront and honest about that. The job posting was confidential and I didn't even know who had placed it until they called to set up the interview. I had time to do some research and I probably should have. But, that all depends on just how much importance they place in organizational participation and awareness. On the other hand, I've got job knowledge and experience in the bag. I can do this job and I can do it very well. I have, actually, in a federal capacity. Working for the state might be a little different, but not much.

One awkward thing about the interview: the woman who contacted me to schedule it had mentioned something about a physical being necessary. I've never really had a physical and wasn't entirely sure what she meant by "dress appropriately". I imagined that I would be directed to a physician and would have to disrobe to an unknown extent. The whole "turn your head and cough" thing. I had no problem with that and decided to dress to impress rather than worry about what "dress appropriately" might mean. Well, it turns out that I interpreted "physical" incorrectly. Basically, it was a physical wellness challenge that I was entirely over-dressed for. I was uncomfortable and barely able to move in the first place - which is usually a prerequisite for looking professional and polished - but I made the best of the sudden and very awkward situation they presented me with. Did I mention how awkward it was having three people watching me do various physical activities? It was. It was very awkward.

I like the job. It seems like a perfect fit for me. I would very much enjoy it if they decide to offer it to me. I would enjoy it more if they take into account previous experience and offer more than the starting salary to me. They mentioned that would be a consideration before approaching any of the candidates with a serious offer.

Anyway, I should know something next week. Which leaves me, in the meantime, to continue much as I have been in this ridiculous state of limbo. Looking so very forward to that.

Charleston calling.

I have an interview Wednesday. It's for a great job. I'm excited. I'm also apprehensive. The starting salary... Well. I'm really hoping that previous experience in a related career field will push that number up a little bit. Honestly, the starting salary is slightly less than what unemployment would pay out. That's incredibly discouraging. I don't even know what to say about that. Although, considering that I'll gain amazing benefits with this job, I guess that's not entirely true. But, I'm not really concerned with the benefits as much as I'm concerned about my ability to pay all of my bills and have enough money to continue to survive.

I'm getting ahead of myself. The interview is Wednesday. I need to start with that. And before that even, I need to get my driver's license for this state. I tried to do that a month ago, but I lost my social security card which actually threw a wench into my unemployment efforts as well. That's been resolved, but I simply didn't see the point in pursuing a license for a state I might be moving out of within a few months, weeks, days, hours, minutes...

Speaking of unemployment, still no money from that. I'm trying not to panic. It's awkward. All this waiting and apprehension and uncertainty - it's no way to live, I'll say that. I'm just living each day and hoping the next one is better. It's entirely frustrating and I feel ridiculous constantly.

I've got all my stuff packed up for the most part. I still have most of my clothes out and the essentials in the kitchen and bathroom. I have my computer and television still set up to keep myself from going completely insane. I'm ready for whatever is going to happen, I just wish something would.

I hope I get the job. At the same time, I hope I don't. It's strange. I think I'd feel exactly the same way no matter what the outcome. I'm ready to leave this place. I've always hated this shitty little apartment of mine. At the same time, I'm not ready to admit defeat and surrender. I'm still proud and stubborn like that.

That makes me a ridiculous and completely conflicted person. I guess we'll see how that changes on Wednesday.