Oh please. Eat me.

I really, really, really wanted to order a pizza tonight. I really did. I also really, really, really wanted to order it online to ensure accuracy and complete order customization. I really did. But, I didn't.

Look at me saving money by not spending it shamelessly online. And my bills are paid. On time, even. Except for Sprint and they can eat a dick.

I'm not getting into that whole mess right now. Anyone reading should be at least mildly aware of my Sprint loathing. Wow, I really hate them. My bill is now $150. That's for two months of service. They won't disconnect me until I pay them so I simply won't ever do that again. Problem solved. Everyone's happy.

Anyway, I'm only mildly convinced that the delivery driver could find my apartment so it's all for the best really. Also, my porch light doesn't work. Since I don't anticipate visitors, I don't see that as much of a problem until I consider food delivery personnel. They're people, too.

I have over fourteen hours until I have to report to the job, so I'm going to finish rummaging through my shit and trying to organize or dispose of it. I'm also going to do another couple loads of laundry since I found more forgotten articles of my wardrobe packed in with my reports and office supplies. I'm not a very rational house packer, but I'm fast as hell. I have more experience than anyone else ever could. It's an art and I specialize in abstract by the metric ton. Think I'm being redundant with that term? Wrong! Observe:

"Because of the similarity in pronunciation — and in some circles, spelling — there can often be confusion between a short ton, a long ton, and a metric ton. In general, in the metric-using world the term ton or tonne alone will be used to refer to a metric ton, while the distinction long ton or short ton will be used to refer to the measure of the standard or Imperial system. In the United States, the term ton will be used to refer to a short ton, although in some industries — such as freight — a ton may be assumed to be a long ton. The term metric ton is then used to distinguish the metric unit. As a rule of thumb, it is a good idea to distinguish which unit of measurement you intend, if there is any doubt that your listeners might misconstrue your meaning." WiseGeek.com

Score one for semantics.

I ate roast beef, peas, and mashed potatoes with gravy for dinner. I wish I had pizza.

First it giveth, then it taketh away.

Bless me, readers, for I have sinned and it has been sixteen days since my last confession.

I wish. My life hasn't been nearly all that interesting lately. Busy and hectic, yes. Delicious and decadent, no.

Blah. I almost posted yesterday but I woke up feeling like the morning after a frat house kegger. All I did was go to work. Draw your own conclusions. I feel almost human today, but most humans don't wake up at five in the afternoon. Whatever. I'm alive and life is semi-sweet and reasonably enjoyable this afternoon. I'm going to celebrate by making myself a snow cone.

I have a snow cone maker. I'd like to thank my mother's impulsiveness for making that possible. I have not one but two flavors - pineapple and cherry, I believe - so I'm going to make a two-tone bowl of shaved ice and eat it until my teeth shatter.

I finally decided to scout out Facebook. I am horrified and intrigued. I don't know if I'm going to validate my account. There are people there I would like to have contact with and several people I would not. I don't like ghosts of the past. Well, I don't like most of them. It's complicated and I like things to be simple these days. As simple as they can be when I get involved. I have a tendency to amplify and confuse things. It's a gift, really.

I finally sent out another round of postcards to the family about a week ago, I think. Mailed them, even. I know. How do I do it? I'm not sure. It's all about time management - which I truly suck at and I'll be the first to admit it.

I have most of my office sorted out now. Apartment H is getting to the point where I almost wouldn't be completely mortified to have someone other than Nurse Egg stop over. I still don't have any furniture which I am somewhat moderately morbidly self-conscious about, but I am planning to purchase a small futon or sofa in the near future. Right now, I have two lawn chairs for a lawn I no longer have and two desk chairs - one I'm sitting in now and the one I bought simply to steal replacement wheels from.

That's a funny story. I forgot to buy a mat for my desk chair to roll around on and that resulted in first one, then all, of the wheels snapping off. I had figured out a way to absolve myself for simply stealing replacements from the store I purchased it at - citing quality assurance and customer service as well as efficiency for meeting my needs and my personal satisfaction as the key talking points - but I became exceptionally paranoid and ended up buying the cheapest, compatible chair and simply using the wheels from it.

I'm fairly certain the person who kept following me around was a secret shopper and I'm nearly as certain that she had mace or something in her handbag.

Anyway, enough about my damn chairs and lack of other practical furniture.

I have been making much progress as far as my financial situation this month. I have paid off half the balance on both of my credit cards. I have completely paid the gangsta technician who restored the front of my Jeep after that unfortunate incident with a deer last winter. I have canceled the one online course I was enrolled in - I have serious doubts about how legitimate it was and I refuse to pay for a degree that I can forge myself and do a better job of it. Anyway, as I was saying... Things are finally starting to come together in the way I had hoped they would have three months ago. Yes, my original projections were tragic and flawed. But, they weren't entirely inaccurate just over-anticipated.

You can make any word you want by simply combining two existing words with a hyphen. It's like magic, except this trick I actually do encourage you to try at home. It's fun and completely safe. Although, you might start sounding like an uneducated douche and prime bullshitter if you over-indulge. I did that one on purpose. Eat it, it's delicious.

I did well over thirty loads of laundry during the month of September. I just got the water bill. Yikes. It's fine, though. It was necessary. Some of those articles of clothing haven't seen the light of day since Texas and beyond. Some of them smelled a little like vomit. Ok, I told myself I wasn't going to share that but there it is. My entire wardrobe now smells like lilacs on a summer day, I assure you. Also, I have added to my contribution pile for Goodwill. I now have three plastic totes and a box that is actually larger than the totes. It won't all fit in my Jeep at the same time unless I remove my spare tire which I am very hesitant to do. I have a history of road-side distress. A very long and consistent history of road-side distress. But I'm feeling very charitable despite the fact that I have yet to donate any of it.

I am really, really enjoying being able to see the gross brown carpet floor of my apartment. To celebrate, I have vacuumed twice since Thursday night. I also bought a label gun so I can label all of my eerily identical storage units. I have five of them. It is impossible to find anything without opening each of these unit's three drawers. I don't like having to open fifteen drawers to find fingernail clippers or dry erase markers or whatever. It is very aesthetically pleasing but just as practically frustrating. So, labels bridge the gap and both sides of my brain are happy.

I really do need to eat something today. To be continued...?

When I'm not throwing my phone at random people, I can use it to take photos. Amazing!

Today, for your viewing pleasure, I am happy to present photos from my phone. Yay! I'll warn you in advance: besides adjusting the size of these images slightly to make them fit within my blog, I have not made any edits to them. These photos are raw, taken from life as it happened around me. That sounds exciting and a little dirty. Anyway. We will begin with some photos of Nurse Egg.



Photos of Nurse Egg jumping on a trampoline! Shocking!



I'll add that I, too, was jumping on the trampoline so that explains why nothing in these photos is in focus. Everything was in motion. From my perspective, anyway.



Here's me with extremely long hair. I'm not sure whether to call myself a hippie or an emo. I'm thinking emo is more likely. I'm not down with free love or pot.



This is my transition from emo to mohawk. I had died portions of my hair previous to shaving it all off, which produced this insane multi-colored mockery. This eventually leads to another transition to completely bald.



Here's my mother and brother on Christmas Day. We had a very strange but pleasant winter that year. No snow. In Ohio, in December, no snow. Needless, but interesting, information. They're trying to get rent money in this photo. They were completely unsuccessful but I'm pretty sure we ruined Christmas for everyone that year.



After our failed attempts to obtain past due funds from the tenants, we loitered around the property. We didn't have anything better to do. We're efficient people and we celebrate on Christmas Eve so we can do whatever the hell we please on Christmas Day. We have an understanding with Santa. We're very upfront with the whole process. No senseless sneaking around or chimney madness for us. Anyway, here's my brother displaying his best Randy Orton pose next to a fairly elaborate bird feeder. Wrestling... I'm gonna stop myself right there. Yeah. Well, it's better than ICP. Part of me dies every time I hear him proclaim to be a juggalo. So, in contrast, men in tights groping each other is a definite step up.



Here's my dog. My dog that I never named. He responded to Jackass and Dipshit with more enthusiasm than he did to Leo, which is the name the animal rescuers gave him. He got off his chain, twice, and then disappeared this summer. We didn't really bond at all, until the very end and then he was gone. I can't compete with dogs in heat. Even though I fed his mutt ass. And bathed him. And bought him an obscene amount and variety of doggy treats. Still, I can't compete.



This is a team bucket of chicken wings. Half are Arizona Ranch and half are Golden Garlic. This is the day I withdrew my boycott of all things chicken and ate more than my share of wings.



I owe it all to this guy for making that moment in my personal history possible. It was his idea to go to Quaker State - despite all my protests that chicken is the meat of the devil - and it turned out not to be the total tragedy I declared it would be - which still surprises me to this day.



Although, he honestly believes that grown men not only should wear pink shirts, but that they look manly and sexy in them. He is wrong. He is so very, very wrong. It is unnatural and wrong. If I ever tried this, I'd end up looking like a hot dog and not in a good way.



I'll close on a happier note. This is MTO Bot 5000. MTO Bot 5000 is my protege and he used his freelance gangsta technician skills to repair the busted grill on my Jeep from that unfortunate deer incident from last winter. I spent alot of time and effort grooming him to step up into management and I made that transition possible by taking the transfer to WV and freeing up some management positions at my former location. MTO Bot 5000 was not pleased with this sacrifice, but it was necessary and beneficial for everyone.

Oh. Yeah. My Bad.

Red Vehement is now open for public viewing. For real this time.

Sorry.