Originally, I was going to simply call him Gypsy, but things are so very different now. Sometimes that's the trouble with getting to know someone: there's so much you can't know until it's too late to unknow it all again. Unless you're Momento and then forgetting is the only thing you're able to do. Things aren't quite that simple, however.
I honestly don't believe he's the idiot everyone thinks he is. I also honestly don't believe anyone is quite that skilled at playing dumb. He is somewhat of an idiot and he does play it up as much as he can. But, there's a little more to it. It took me a few days of working with him to figure it out. That was months ago and I'm still stuck with him as my work partner.
As an immigrant whose first language obviously wasn't English, Momento has a serious language barrier to overcome. He does alright, but it's impossible to be entirely certain how much of what I say he actually comprehends. I try, with great difficulty, to use the lowest common denominator when choosing my words to him. I do feel sorry for him. It's a less than ideal situation. I feel even sorrier for myself having to manage it and him. The real problem is that Momento can't read in English. That, of course, is only an assumption of mine, but the clues are there.
"Can you read this? I forgot my glasses."
"You forgot them again? You forget them every day."
"I know. I don't know why I can't remember the stupid things."
I haven't and won't ask him to confirm my suspicions. I don't think there's ever an appropriate way to ask a man about that. Anyway, it's not like knowing will change anything. It's a little late in the game to start teaching this 50-something man how to read in English at a level that will allow him to work the computers or read production orders. I can't out him without proof - not that I would anyway. Besides, he has somehow managed to keep his job for five years and I cannot believe I am the only person able to figure out how all his pieces don't quite fit together properly in all this time.
It wouldn't be as much of an issue if he weren't at least somewhat of an idiot. A clever man could adapt. I, for example, could learn enough of whatever written language was being used at my job to be able to read and comprehend it after five freaking years. It's not like I'm talking about entire paragraphs or anything. There are only so many words in play: cheese type (ie. Swiss, Muenster, Cheddar) and cut size (ie. sticks, bars, half moons). Everything else is numbers: width, height, length, weight, quantity, etc. I'd only have to memorize probably 10 - maybe 20 at most - words to be able to comprehend production orders and computer monitors on the line. That means he would only have had to learn 4 words of English text each year for the past 5 years.
Of course I naturally empathize for his situation, but... Are you fucking kidding me?! Seriously?! He can't naturally learn one vocabulary word every 90 days?! How is that possible?! It's not possible. It's also not possible to disregard logic that proves he doesn't care enough to try. It's sad and aggravating and entirely my problem now. I'm growing ever more bitter and resentful about it as our time together continues.
He also confuses numbers and genuinely sucks at basic math. This is a serious problem. He either prepares half or twice as much cheese for me as necessary. Also, he forgets how to do even the most remedial work tasks every single day. I used to actually try to show him how to do whatever, but when I realized I'd have to repeatedly show him the same things every day... I'm seriously not that patient. It's incredibly exhausting, too. Anymore I just shrug and point him toward an actual supervisor - because they actually get paid to deal with this.
No one else will work with him, which is how I got stuck with him. I almost died during my performance evaluation when she read the part about me "performing better and at a higher level than certain long-term employees (insert his crazy name here)." That was actually written in the comments section of my performance evaluation. That's an official document comparing me and ranking me superior to a coworker by name. I have never seen that in my entire life. I never thought I would. It's unprofessional. It's true, obviously, and it would have still been just as true (and just as obvious who was being referred to) without including his name. Anyway, that's not important to the point - I just would have addressed that differently, if at all.
I would also have handled my own training a little differently. Instead of throwing me on the line without any warning, guidance, explanation, training, or practice when Bloody Richard took a week of vacation time... Let me reenact that for you before I continue. I came into work Monday morning to find Momento in my place and no Bloody Richard.
"What is going on? Am I not on this line anymore?"
"Richard is on vacation. You are Josh?"
"Yep. Are you going to run the machine?"
"No, you are. I have never."
I actually laughed, but I quickly stopped. "Oh, shit. Are you fucking serious right now?! I've never done it either. No, I can't. This is insane."
...but I did and it definitely was a long, terrible, crazy day. No one prepared me for that transition. No one trained me. I just started doing things. I trained myself by trying/failing/retrying/succeeding/doing. I learned by teaching myself not to repeat mistakes. I have a natural gift when it comes to acquiring knowledge. I am also nothing if not a true survivalist. This sink or swim method of training amplified by survival instinct and focused my spontaneous learning skills. By the time Bloody Richard returned I had mastered the machine and computer system and they decided to reassign him to a previously retired line they had just reactivated now that they had someone to run it. As it stands, only Bloody Richard and I am able to run these two lines. Which may explain why I wasn't trained: Bloody Richard enjoys job security and no one else knows enough to do it, apart from me now. Currently, I have to take my breaks in the midst of larger orders so that I can briefly explain to the break relievers how to maintain the status quo until my return and hope nothing seriously crazy happens. It does anyway and I usually return to chaos and panic - but I try to minimize the likelihood of it if I can. It seems impossible that I'm one of the newest employees and still the second most knowledgeable about how everything works. Of course, that makes it entirely my own fault that I've made myself invaluable and will stay on that line partnered with Momento forever.
I should end on a more positive note. I absolutely love that Momento smells like he moonlights as a cologne tester for Old Spice and that this smell overwhelms the usual aura of cheese/mold-based odors that usually surround me every time he comes to me (literally in excess of 50 times daily) with the same ridiculous series of questions and problems I addressed or redirected to management the previous day. ...and the previous day. ...and the previous day. ...and the previous day. I appreciate this aspect of his hygiene above anything else he could offer, except for the one day he called off and they partnered me with someone decent. He can do that again and as often as he likes.