May the bridges I burn light the way home.

Obnoxious. Condescending. Trying too hard to be funny and failing. Abrasive. Of course, he's family. He's my uncle. The exile, to be specific. The prodigal son returned.

At least we have that much in common. Well, not really.

I don't usually make it a point to circle back on burnt bridges. There's a reason I set them aflame in the first place, just as there's a reason no one stopped me.

I'm really not trying to be an asshole. I don't think he is either. It doesn't really matter. Our intentions don't dictate the interpretation of our actions.



My uncle from Georgia is here for the week and the subject of this post. My aunt from Arkansas is also here for the week. We're only missing mom. Who's surprised? That's rhetorical and this is redundant. It wouldn't be a family event if someone wasn't genuinely annoying and agitating the holy shit out of everyone. Amazingly, the locals have vacated this position and remained scarce to the point of total absence for the duration of the visitors' stay. The reason for everyone being here during a non-holiday and completely out of season for a summer visit is to support my grandmother during her transitional phase now that my grandfather has been placed in a home. This was the result of some unknown event between my grandmother and my local aunt which caused a serious rift between them and ultimately resulted in my grandmother no longer having their assistance with the care of my grandfather. My local aunt had migrated her entire family between her own home and the home of my grandparents in order to assist with my aging grandfather and his care. She was gradually moving into my grandparents' home with plans to sell off her own. But, some tragic life-altering event caused an end to the cooperative symbiosis between my local aunt's family and my grandmother. This anomaly even caused my local aunt to abandon all plans to inhabit my grandparent's house full-time and proceed immediately to vacate her family and all accumulated possessions from the property. What could this unknown event possibly have been? I haven't a clue, but it must have been something catastrophic to prompt such life-altering deviations from the grand plan of my local aunt and her family. Anyway, since that event and the parting of ways, they haven't made an appearance except at the nursing home for a brief initial visit to see my grandfather situated and placed. Since their absence has left no one to instigate and provoke the rest of the family during their visits, my once-exiled uncle decided to stand-in and fulfill the duties of that traditional role. He's doing a decent enough job of it, too.



This is an incredibly awkward situation for the entire family. It's not at all surprising that we're rubbing each other the wrong way trying to all find a place to squeeze into this picture and just move with it as it develops and/or deteriorates. I think my uncle is attempting to lighten the mood by trying to maintain this atmosphere of levity. Unfortunately, like me, he's only familiar with dry, sarcastic, often pessimistic humor. Obviously, I have a natural affinity for it. My humor - forged from the fires of my intrinsic bitterness and rage - is flawlessly executed. It's my default, natural defense mechanism, afterall. I've had decades of practice and have developed a level of skill when it comes to quips and banter that can not be rivaled by any mere man. Watching my uncle in action is like going to an amateur night of stand-up. Both should require at least a two drink minimum before indulging. I believe a lot of his failure is conditional of his attitude and motives. He's just a downer. I'm a realist, but I at least attempt to defuse and rectify the situation by dissecting it and throwing it back in everyone's face. Yes, things may truly suck and they often do. But, there's always hope. At least, there ought to be some. I'm not sure what anyone could hope in this exact situation we find ourselves in other than trying to do some major damage control and maintain some semblance of the status quo. The last thing I would want - in this situation or any other similar to it - is to make matters even worse by alienating everyone around me, like my uncle seems increasingly determined to do. Besides, there are much more satisfying ways to alienate people. I'm fairly skilled in that department as well.

Cocktails, anyone?



Before I completely gloss over it and forget, I should mention that my asshole friend's grandfather passed away last weekend. It's a strange coincidence that both of our grandfathers were in the same hospital at the exact same time. It's possible they were even on the same floor or even room. I doubt it, but it's possible. The funeral was Wednesday, which is the same day my grandfather was transferred from the hospital to the nursing home. There's another strange coincidence for you.

American dream (insomnia remix)

So much for sleeping. It's nearly 0500. I just slept a little over two hours. First a video to get us started. Actually more like a song with a picture that doesn't change at all. The other videos are actual videos, if that's any consolation. Enjoy.



I've decided I need to write. Not just a blog, either. Which brings us to my constant problem - about what? Well, me, naturally. That's easy enough. As much as I'd love to do something entirely fictional, it's simply not going to happen - it might, later, but only once I've purged some things and made a complete spectacle of myself in print. This has been blatantly obvious to me for some time, hence my hesitation. But, it must be done if I'm ever going to get my shit together and make something happen as far as legitimate writing goes. So, I've spent the last half an hour of restless sleeplessness trying to figure out what period of my life I should draw from. I've decided on Nevada. Wyoming is still a little overwhelming for me, but I'm sure it'll be addressed in a prequel. I can definitely isolate and get lost in the Nevada era without having to cover Wyoming or Ohio first. I could probably do the same with Alaska, but that might be better suited as a closer to the trilogy or bridge to the later installations if I decide to continue forward. I'm thinking probably not. A trilogy is pushing it already. In any case, I've decided on my time period. It's definitely one of the most turbulent and chaotic chapters of me. It was also one of the more enjoyable. It was absolutely one of the few places as crazy - if not slightly crazier - than me. Speaking of crazy... here's another Sky Ferreira music video interlude featuring Michael Madsen. Yeah, I know: crazy.



I'm tired, but restless. That's a perfect metaphor for my entire life. I'm too angsty to sleep and too tired to be any use at doing any actual work on this project, so it's aimlessly wandering the internet and letting my mind spin wildly out of control. I'm taking notes whenever it ventures somewhere interesting and useful. Hopefully, those notes aren't complete insomniac gibberish. I'll keep you posted of any progress. This definitely seems like something that I have to get out of my system to be able to do anything worthwhile. I think I could write an entire manuscript of only my humorous mishaps with animals and appliances, but it'll be much easier to market once I crank out a library of auto-biographies. I always knew it would happen this way. I've just been seriously fighting it. In the meantime, I'm trying to wrap my head around being seventeen again. Hmmmmm. One last music video? Certainly.



Fun fact: my friend Tommy (featured via comments relayed from facebook in my recent post, Trying too hard.) is from Nevada. Still lives there, actually. Maybe I'll enlist his help in recreating that landscape.

Desperate Guys

January is National Drag History Month according to various online sources. I had no idea. Let me clarify: I had no idea there was such a thing, let alone it was this very month. This isn't the subject of my post, but I thought it was interesting and somewhat coincidental in context of what I am actually about to talk about.

Yesterday I had a job interview which was the result of a few traded emails between myself and the district manager of a local restaurant chain for the position of assistant general manager (rather than assistant to the general manager, ha.). Anyway, in preparation for this interview I decided to shave off my beard. A decision I immediately regretted and still do. My face feels completely naked. It's incredibly cold, too, being January and I can feel every lost degree on my bare face. It's horrible. Back to my original point: I'm very serious about snagging this job so I'm doing everything possible to ensure I get it - even shaving. After I shaved, I decided I also needed a haircut before the interview. It was impossible to get an appointment anywhere on zero notice and within the time constraints I was working with, so I drove around town until I found a shithole-in-the-wall salon that was practically empty except for a lone stylist and two blue-hairs having their hair color treated. The stylist could get me done and out within half an hour which was perfect for my time frame, so I took a seat and waited. It was a delightful show watching the two lifelong friends having their hair done and trading gossip with the stylist.



When it was my turn, she did the whole hair washing while chatting me up bit. She asked me what I wanted done and I told her something more professional and less like a homeless burn-out. I told her I had a job interview. I even told her where and for what. We chatted about how competitive the job market has become and how limited opportunities were within it. Then she asked me when I graduated. Naturally, I assumed she meant college and I lied "last year". I was even deciding in my head what my major was, but then she asked if I was thinking about going to college. It was shocking to realize this woman thought I had graduated high school last year.

Suddenly getting carded for cigarettes right before all this doesn't seem so random. First time in ten years... I should have known something was off.

I stumbled on my words after that. "Sure, I'm thinking about going to college. This employer has an excellent tuition reimbursement program." She asked which program I might pursue. I can't even tell you which one I might have said. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the whole facial age reversal thing. Which is probably why I agreed when she suggested my eyebrows needed a quick trim as well. I think she snuck that question in there between "Would you like your neckline boxed off?" and "Would you like to keep the sideburns?" so that I wouldn't notice. Not that I was actually paying attention. I just kept agreeing to everything. I've never had my eyebrows shaped or trimmed or whatever. When it happened, my entire body tensed up. It might have been something to do with the electric trimmers being so close to my eye. Also, it felt weird.



After the entire process, I quickly paid and took off. I had to race back across town to get dressed for success before racing off to the interview. I kept hoping I wouldn't show up to it looking like a teenage drag queen. Unless, of course, that's what this guy was looking for in a potential applicant. Whatever works. I don't care. I'm not sure anything did, though. The district manager had zero facial expressions which made it virtually impossible to read him. He had the ultimate poker face and no observable personality. It was like being interrogated by a robot. Not fabulous. Not encouraging. Not really anything. In any case, I'll know one way or the other in a couple of weeks. He intends to interview 16 other candidates in that time. He didn't leave me completely in the dark. He offered one pro and one con about me as a potential applicant. Pro: No one else he has tried to contact has even responded yet, let alone scheduled and completed an interview. I told him that no one wants the job more than me. No one else is as hungry or determined as I am for it. Con: I don't have actual restaurant management experience. I have experience in management, food service, and management in food service - but that doesn't translate into restaurant management experience for him. He didn't consider any of my former employers to be restaurants. Which is fine, because neither do I. However, I don't consider any of his establishments to be restaurants either. Not really, if we're being honest. I didn't tell him that, though. Anyway, I guess we'll see. I don't feel any more or less hopeful than I did before the interview. I just feel completely ridiculous and desperate.



Well, my darlings, there's only one thing you should take away from this (other than the fact that January is National Drag History Month): I'll be 30 in May and apparently only look half my age with a clean-shaven face. Try not to choke too hard on your envy while I draw some eyebrows back on my childlike face. Love you. Kisses. xoxo

Will work for...

Probably shouldn't finish that statement. Nevermind.

I received an email yesterday from the district manager of a company in this area with open management positions. I answered that ad some time ago and hadn't really expected a response. It seemed like one of those situations were they continuously accept applications to maintain a pool of candidates in the event of a position ever being vacated rather than a position they were actively hiring for. I've encountered several of those situations during these last 14 months of nearly steady unemployment. Very frustrating for someone trying to actually find a job, but I can't say I haven't utilized it myself. Anyway, this is my first solid job lead that isn't a telemarketing farm. I answered the email almost immediately, but haven't heard back yet. I didn't expect to since the original email from the district manager was sent just after 5pm, probably as he was leaving his office for the day. At least he is planning on interviewing for the position this week. I'm definitely ready and my schedule is wide open.

I had originally planned on asking my local aunt if I could borrow one of her vehicles until I was able to have my own repaired, but since then she has gone completely off the reservation and stirred up a whole crock of shit with the entire family. So, probably not a good time to be asking for favors. I had even accepted that I'd have to live with her and her family until I could make the repairs to my vehicle in order to use their vehicle. But, again, really bad timing for that. Oh, and about all that, I'll probably address that craziness she's causing in another post once it's been developed a little further and hopefully resolved in the next week or so. But, in the meantime, I'll probably solve my vehicle issue by sharing a vehicle with Nurse Egg. It'll be a little ridiculous, but we'll manage it. Hopefully I get this job and it pays well enough that we won't have to manage it for long. This is coming at a perfect time, too, since Nurse Egg has found our new home - potentially - and the seller has finally accepted her offer - last I heard, anyway. Looks like we're going to be roommates for quite some time now. Also looks like we're never leaving Ohio. I'm not as thrilled about the second part of that, but it's not as bad as it could be, I suppose. I mean, there must be a reason why I keep getting sucked back here, afterall. There's a reason why I can only escape this damn state for a few years at a time before being magically recalled and stranded here once again. I have no idea what the hell that reason is, but there must be one.

At any rate, better find a job if I plan on staying in the area. Better find a job, regardless of whatever else I have or haven't planned. I think I might have. This seems promising. I'm not going to say anything else until it happens or doesn't. We'll just see, but it is only one of several possibilities that I'm actively pursuing.



Lewis Hine took the photos used in this post. He did an entire study on workers during the 1920's. I decided not to feature the ones depicting child labor, but they are quite interesting. You might want to look for those for yourself if you're curious. Definitely worth the trouble, but not really appropriate in this context.

Shocking, I know, coming from someone as wildly inappropriate as myself - but I do have standards, afterall. The great thing about having standards is there are so very many to choose from.

Trying too hard.

I think we're all guilty of that sometimes. I have definitely been guilty of that lately. I spent a week living on the couch of my asshole friend. He was moving and I agreed to help since I'm practically an expert on that sort of thing. He definitely should have consulted me sooner so I could have advised him on transferring utilities in advance of moving in rather than having no heat or water for the first two days. He did have electricity, though, so we weren't stumbling blindly in the dark. But, he definitely could have handled the rest of his utilities a little better. I would have. Anyway, it was an excellent distraction from my own dire financial and employment situation. It was great being able to channel all of my anxiety and uncertainty into unpacking his life and creating a home for him in the new place. It's definitely awkward trying to squeeze 1700 sq. ft. of bullshit into 700 sq. ft. of space. But we managed it. I managed it, to be honest. He'd still probably be unpacking the first room if not for my determination and stamina.

I'm glad to be home. His life completely overwhelms me - from the joint custody of his two kids, the ex-wife, the new fiance and her three children. It's far too much drama to be contained in a single episode or a house that small. Definitely good to be home and have some space of my own and quiet. I wasn't home a day before he was texting me to find out when I'd be coming back. He wants me to move in with him. Again. We've been here before. He's incredibly needy and desperate - two instant turn-offs for me. He just can not be alone. Not for a second, much less a day. I can't deal with that level of suffocating neediness. Also, I can't be in an environment that centered around drama. It's way too much for me. Also, I just spent an entire week of my life there with him and that wasn't enough. It's never enough. For me, it has to be. I have my own life, my own home, my own world of bullshit. He seems unconcerned that I don't have a working vehicle or a job. I think he'd honestly be very content to have me remain there and entirely dependent upon him for everything. I can't live like that. No one should, but I definitely can't. We got into an argument about all of it and haven't been talking for about a day, which prompted a status update on my part.

"Have a great life. I'll do the same."

Harsh, I know, but that's how I have to be to even be heard. I have to out drama the drama queen or else it's all just background noise to his latest, repeat tragedy. Unexpectedly, this attempt led to a delightful conversation with a friend of mine from high school. We were thespians together. I actually played his father four or five times, so we're stage family. Our exchange amused me greatly, so I'll repost it here.

Have a great life. I'll do the same.

Tommy: ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?!!!.

J: Of course not. Well, not this time anyway. It's my own fault for suggesting we should see other people.

Tommy: Whew, give a guy a heart attack. That was NOT how I wanted to start the new year. More communication, that's what we need. And less violent abuse on your end. That'd be nice.

J: Tommy... I can't promise any of that. But, if it makes you feel any better, you're right about everything.

Tommy: Haha are you agreeing with me because I'm angry? Or because your being honest? If you want out of this just tell me now!. lol you never take me out anymore anyway. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!.

J: I'm agreeing with you for all of those reasons and I feel bad for being emotionally/physically unavailable for our entire relationship. I admit that I am fairly self-absorbed and totally insensitive to your needs. We should probably end things, but... damn it... I just can't quit you.

Tommy: Hahahaha

"Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive"

J: Everything is better with a supporting sound track.

Tommy: I'm so happy we are starting to agree on things again..haha lol

J: Me, too. Does this mean it's time for make-up sex?

Tommy: Whoa whoa you think all it takes is some Gloria Gaynor? Think again mister. Better drop some Neil Diamond to smooth out this bumpy road..

Tommy: That smooth and bumpy road part doesn't sound good at all..ha

J: ‎"If there were no dreams
and there were no dreamers,
then how could I dream you up?
You're still a mystery to me.
The way that we love,
the life that we're leading,
I don't want to give you up.
Whatever I have to do, I'll do.

Put a mountain there, and I'll tear it down.
If it's much too high, then I'll go around.
I won't stop for anyone or anything.
And I'd love you even if
there were no dreams.

If there were no dreams,
how could we be lovers?
And how could I need you so?
The reason's clear to even me.
I'll know that it's right.
You don't need to wonder.
If you're up against that wall,
I'm gonna be up against it, too.

If a mountain's there,
we can tear it down.
If it's much too high,
then we'll go around.
We won't stop for anyone or anything.
We'd be lovers even if
there were no dreams.
Yes, we would:
lovers even if there were no dreams."

J: Boom.

Tommy: Hahaha that's what I'm taking about..now come here you..

Tommy: Let em say were crazy, I dont care about that
Put your hand in my hand baby
Dont ever look back
Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby we can make it if were heart to heart

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
Well still have each other
Nothings gonna stop us, nothings gonna stop us now.

AND SCENE...lol

Much as I hate to admit it, this social networking improv of ours is the most fulfilling relationship I've had in several years. It honestly made me feel better and chuckle. We definitely still have some of that theatre chemistry left over from high school. Anyway, we conversed in private about our impromptu love affair and how our mothers were going to react - which was much easier for him because she was awake and online and freaking out over it already. To be honest, I'd probably go for it, so she definitely has cause to be worried.

Anyway, it was a lot of fun and definitely served the purpose better than a lone status update. Yes, I'm a manipulative, cunning little fucker. I would be less proud of that if it weren't deserved. The evidence of how effective those tactics are is in the number of text messages I've received since.

Several.