Self-sabotage and other ways to spend a Sunday afternoon.

I lost my mind today. I went completely psychotic for about an hour.

Not because I missed the late registration dates for my ACT test date of choice, either. I found that out later, but I had used my surplus of rage by then and this disappoint barely phased me. Whatever. So, I'm not going to register for a test date until I know with some amount of certainty what exactly I'll be doing x months from now or even what state I might possibly be in. Although, my first practice test was extremely reassuring. I have to work on math a little. English, reading, and science were flawless. I'm not surprised. I was a little surprised with the math. It's above the standard, but when has that ever been good enough for anything? Never. So, yes. I will be improving that score in the meantime. So, it wasn't that.

No. I thought I lost my wallet.

I decided to go out somewhere. I think I was hungry. I got dressed and I was ready to leave the apartment, but then I was having a wardrobe issue. The jeans... I have not warn them in about a year. Hated them then, still hate them now. So, I took them off, folded them up, and put them in the bag I had already started for my next Goodwill donation.

I'm all about the Goodwill donations right now. I can't stop giving all my shit to Goodwill. I just can't. It's a good thing. They can sell it to fund some great counseling programs and charities while truly unfortunate people can buy my used (or more accurately in most cases, my never used) goods at a fraction of what I originally paid for them and I can clear all the clutter out of my residence and simply be able to move through rooms without calling on my sweet parkour skills to navigate the towering piles of bullshit that once dominated the terrain.

Anyway, I didn't really feel like getting dressed again so I went back to whatever I was doing. Then, I realized how hungry I was. I could either stay half-dressed and make something to eat for myself or I could get dressed again and get some drive-thru action going. I decided I would rather not be bothered with making food, so I got dressed again and went to leave but I could not find my wallet.

I then went completely and totally insane.

I tore my apartment apart. Not really, but kinda. I was neat about it even though I was completely frantic. I didn't want to have to clean the place up again on top of having to find my misplaced wallet. I was at least that sane. I looked everywhere. I even tried to remember all the articles of pocketed clothing and shoulder bags I had employed over the previous few days. I looked in every room of my apartment. I looked anywhere I could. I even checked inside the refrigerator and both garbage cans. (Do not ask me to justify those decisions. I did it. It happened.) I searched my Jeep twice.

This went on for about an hour. Thirty minutes into it, I started to panic that I might have dropped it somewhere. I kicked around the leaves outside hoping I had simply dropped it while walking from the Jeep to my front door. I had been struggling to maintain control of my cargo the night before, so it seemed reasonable. I did not want to admit the possibility of having left it at one of the many (possibly eight) different places I had been the previous evening. I had gone to the mall. Enough said.

On yet another side note, I didn't allow my natural impulses to overwhelm me like they typically do any time I happen to allow myself the mistake of a trip to the mall. No, I was very savvy about it. I bought what I needed and I left. What I needed was an ACT prep book and the supplementary flash cards. I also needed gas and beverages, so I made a few more stops. But, I was very, very careful not to spend too much money at the mall. I'm a little proud of myself for that. That's quite an accomplishment for me. Seriously.

Just I had completely given up the search and sat down at my desk to access all of my online accounts to cancel everything I could, I had a revelation. Obviously, the first place I should have logically looked for my wallet is the same place I eventually found it. But, I had completely forgotten about even having tried on those first pair of horrible jeans. Turns out I had left my wallet inside them and nearly donated it to Goodwill with them. Can you imagine? I don't want to, but I can.

Worst of all, I have no motivation to actually follow through with my original intentions of going out for something to eat and I still refuse to make anything myself, so...

I'm so hungry and frustrated. I'm a ridiculous person.