To swim you have to swallow.

I'm not doing NaNoWriMo. Obviously. I stopped writing after the first week. I had serious shit going on - which is still actually going on and probably will continue to go on indefinitely, so whatev. Fuck it. I don't even care. It's been a shit year anyway and I should have simply expected it to not go quietly into that good night. But... seriously? I'm not in the mood. I'm really not. I'm not in the mood to write. I'm not in the mood to talk. I'm not in the mood to be around anyone at all ever. I'm not in the mood for the holiday season which is going to just drag on and on and on. I'll be able to fully appreciate how slowly time is progressing since I won't be distracted by things like work.

Yeah, I'm unemployed as of an hour and a half ago.

I knew it was coming. It's not a surprise. I don't feel... I just don't feel. I'm completely empty and weightless. I'm also completely sleep-deprived and insane because I've been stressing about this for months. Just when I start to relax - Surprise! My life is even more fucked up than previously assumed possible.

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it to any degree ever. Don't ask. Just leave it the fuck alone. It's not important and even less interesting, to be honest.

I seriously doubt I'm staying in West Virginia. What the hell for? Seriously. The only people I even know in this state are people from work - ex-work, whatev - so, no. I don't want to bring them down and just be this awkward presence.

I was invited to a Thanksgiving party type thing tomorrow. I'm not going. Some of them - if not all - will know by then. And they'll have questions I don't want to answer and can just as easily avoid by simply not being there. Besides, it'll totally ruin everything. Me being there and this new situation... I'm just not going. I should say goodbye or something and salvage some kind of holiday with these people before I never see them again, but...

It's not like I was ever any good at sticking around. It's not like I've ever made much of an effort to say goodbye. I just disappear and it's like I never was. Magic. Terrible, fucked up magic.

So, anyway. No novel and I'm not even disappointed. I have bigger things to worry about and it's not even on my radar of things I could give a shit about if I even wanted to. I just thought I should update you on why my word count hasn't moved in weeks and why I haven't been posting either.

I've been in limbo for the better part of the month. It's a very uncomfortable and stressful place to be. Now, I feel weightless and free. I don't know why. I suppose it's because I can do practically anything at all now. I can make any number of decisions or mistakes regarding where my life is going from here, but I won't have to account for a career in any plans I make for the immediate future.

That's not a good or bad thing, it's just... It just is, I guess.