So it's nearly 2am and I am catching up on some brilliant television programming online because I have vowed to not do a damn thing today and after sleeping for 12 hours I'm very awake and very bored. As I watch, I notice something moving in my peripherals. When it proves to large to be merely a spider, I shift my focus to the door to my office. To be more accurate, I shift my focus to the open space beneath the closed door to my office.
It should be noted that upon my first arriving at Apartment H, I declared war on the massive spider population inside. First, I destroyed their homes. Then I sought out the survivors in every corner of every room and crushed every last one of them. I also applied repellent and poison at all possible entry points and a liberal coating around all the windows outside as well. Anything smaller than a cat coming within a foot of my apartment would die before stepping inside.
Yes, I do tend to get a little carried away sometimes when it comes to uninvited guests of the pest variety. But, although my methods cruel, extreme, and even obsessive, they are just as effective.
Time passed and my defense naturally broke down, which allowed opportunity to the worst kind of pest. Once reconstruction began on a nearby apartment building, I began to encounter a new enemy type. This one was more grotesque and cunning than the spider legion. Having eliminated their natural enemies so efficiently, I had left myself wide open to their migration and then infestation. I won't say just what these new pests were, but I will affirm that I waged war on them for several months. I developed so many tactics and methods for dealing with these creatures that I became very disturbed and lethal. I was constantly at a state of panicked and acute awareness and preparedness. You'd have thought I was fighting terrorism, which in a way I was just on a smaller, more manageable scale. Once I had determined these new enemies were eliminated, I made a truce with the spiders. I would spare each of them if they allied with me and kept our mutual enemy at bay. Since that time, I have not seen even one of those aggravating little bastards.
So, Apartment H has a new order and every one and every thing is happy. Or so it seemed, until...
So, I'm looking at the space beneath the door and a head pops out of it. Then, the whole body. The creature runs a few inches into the room before stopping suddenly and bolting back outside.
"So it begins... mouse."
I spent the next 2 hours tearing apart my living space trying to find my new guest. I was unsuccessful. I was able to locate both its point of entry and nesting area. I then vacuumed up all the mouse shit I found sprinkled so liberally in the corners and along the base boards of the living room. I also used wire mesh and plaster to cover the small hole I found in the wall behind my dryer.
Yes, I have evolved quite drastically during my time in Apartment H. I can fix things and deal with situations I would have declared impossible a few months ago. I even have a fairly respectable on-hand inventory of necessary supplies and the expertise to know how and when to use each of them.
Survival allows us to do the most extraordinary and fascinating things. Maybe this isn't exactly a matter of survival, but it is a quality of life matter and that alone is worth defending to the death.
Constant readers may already be astounded as to how unusually calm and possibly indifferent I am to my situation, especially those of you who are familiar with the Doorknob Arsenal series. Trust me, I have been fuming about this for the last several hours. But, I have battled far more complex and aggressive intruders before and I am not too concerned about this latest development. I have done some research on my adversary and I fully realize how tricky and infuriating mice can be to eliminate. But, since I am not at all concerned about the well-being or decent treatment of this rodent - I don't shit rainbows nor hug trees. - and since I am not at all opposed to turning this entire apartment into one massive network of deathtraps, I don't suppose I'm the one who should be worried right now. I am simply going to finish watching my movie and then I'll be going shopping for some... supplies. I am going to have fun with my new project. More fun than my new project is going to have, but that's to be expected.
Murder is an exclusively one-sided relationship, but it seems mockingly unselfish as it proves conclusively that it is far better to give than receive.
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