Change of plan and an unexpected reprieve.

So, about that mouse situation...

I didn't go shopping for homicide aides like I intended yesterday morning. Instead, I watched several movies on Netflix and took a 3 hour nap before work. All day long I've been devising schemes and plotting my intruder's demise. I was very, very giddy. I spent half the day giggling - which occasionally evolved into a lunatic hysteria - and that made some people a little nervous.

"Wow. Someone's having a great day."
"You have no idea."
"I mean, you're usually enthusiastic and happy... but, today..."
"I'm practically a cartoon, I know."

After work, I went to Wal*mart being the only thing open and even remotely adequate to my purposes at 3am. I wandered the aisles looking for my toys. I purchased peanut butter and cotton balls. I did my research and most of it proclaimed that peanut butter was the absolute shit when it came to baiting mouse traps. The experts elaborated that applying it to cotton balls would entice the mouse to bite and then make it trickier for the little bastards to release in time to avoid falling prey to the trap's swift justice. How very informative and helpful. I also found some pesticides which I decided against simply because it was 3am, I looked like a member of some elite death squad having just gotten off work and making no attempt to conceal my uniform, and the two people stocking the aisle were giving me some alarming and cautionary looks.

"What? It'd be ok if I were buying rat poison at noon? Come on."

Whatever. I bought some live traps instead which was not at all the way I had wanted to go, but... a thought began to take shape and give birth to several strange ideas in the back of my mind. I entertained my glorious mind and found the results not only amusing but appealing. I crossed over to the other side of the store. I entered the pet section and surveyed my options. I could either buy an aquarium and make a makeshift habitat for the rodent or I could opt for the ridiculous PlayLand for active hamsters and gerbils. I didn't like either of these options, but I did like that PlayLand was completely encased whereas the aquarium - while its walls were nearly a foot tall and made of slippery, smooth, impossible-to-climb planes of glass - had no upper enclosure. Also, PlayLand had a little hatch which would allow me to throw things quickly and safely into the habitat like food or the creature itself. I began to see the potential of this radical idea as I placed the festive box into my cart. I also purchased bedding, food, an exercise ball, and teething pellets. I was really getting into the concept of trapping and keeping my own wild rodent pet. It wasn't something I would ever consider outside of my now very real and current situation.

I arrived home delighted at my own genius and my pending and terrible tenant transgression. If successful, I would be violating the pet policy. Although, I know for a fact some asshole in my building owns those damn pit bulls that keep roaming around and trying to intimidate everyone. I'd like to stuff one of them into an exercise ball and roll him down the hill and into traffic. I also know that someone owns that mangy feline that keeps killing all the birds and leaving their remains on my doorstep. I could also argue that I didn't intentionally acquire a pet and that I was simply making the most of a bad situation which shows not only my resourcefulness but possibly my maturity and respect for life itself.

I don't need counsel, your honor. I'll be representing myself from this point on.
I might have a fool for a client, but he's got himself one damn fine bullshitter to talk his way in and out of trouble. We'll take our chances. Also, can I get a Fresca?

Since sealing the mouse holes this morning with wire mesh plates, I have had no real idea whether I'd trapped the mouse inside or outside of the apartment. So, I arrived home to uncertainty and intrigue. I scoured the apartment looking for rodent evidence, like a very specialized and absurd branch of CSI. I found none. My hopes dissolved, I made dinner. I would continue to search for proof that my intruder still remained for about a week before returning all the accessories I had purchased for my imaginary pet. I won't even bother baiting the traps until I have found sufficient cause for doing so. I simply can not allow myself to believe it was so easy and effortless to thwart what the experts described as such a crafty and treacherous foe. But, if such is the case, so be it. I'll take my victories as I find them.

However dissatisfying as that may prove.