Life has been really strange for me recently. I have been completely out of control and out of my freaking mind lately. Before my grandfather's funeral, I was an incredibly normal, well-adjusted, boring, sane, respectable, lame, rational, tired person. Maybe not even a person, though - more like a very polite and quiet machine. Especially at work. Then I called off for the day of the wake and again for the day of the funeral and again for a personal mental health day that I just slept my way through. I still don't know the appropriate amount of time given for bereavement but I didn't much care at the time and no one has said anything to me about it one way or the other. Everyone just keeps asking if I'm ok. Of course, I am. I am just fine.
Seriously though? No, not really. You don't carry dead bodies around and come out of it feeling good. I don't ever want to be a pallbearer again, but I imagine I will at some point. That whole week was a total blur of extended family, moderate intoxication, and awkwardness.
I've been overly social lately. I feel like I need to cram as much human interaction into every spare moment of my life that I can possibly manage right now. It's a little exhausting, but it's fun. I've been splitting the majority of my time between the two brothers: Freckles and Werd. They are completely different and somehow almost identical. It's strange. Werd is just like Freckles used to be when I first met him. His availability is completely open since he's unemployed and single, while Freckles is neither. Plus, Freckles has two kids which is a lot for me to deal with although they both completely love me. R&B love Uncle Josh - Little B in particular. He just climbs up on me and goes right to sleep. I'm like a real life teddy bear. It's good, but it can be a little overwhelming trying to fit into the Freckles entourage of crazy bitch ex-wife, current girlfriend, and two little hyperactive boys. Werd is much less complicated. I also enjoy how jealous it makes the other brother when I'm hanging out with one or the other of them. Sometimes I hang out with both of them and save us all the drama.
I was already spending an unhealthy amount of time with Werd before my grandfather's passing. Then he sort of became my grieving partner and spent the entire week with me and the family. It would have been strange to me if everything wasn't already completely strange with everything else going on. It was good to have someone not related to me be there for me. Also, the family seemed to really like him - my cousins from Georgia especially. I thought about maybe warning Werd about them beforehand, but I decided to just let him figure it out for himself. I knew they'd eat him alive. I hadn't anticipated the actual reality of it.
"Ok. I don't want this to be weird."
"What's weird about taking you to the lake for cigarettes?"
"No, not that. My parents told me you might be gay."
"What the hell? Yes, I am. How do they even know?"
"Your mom."
"God damn it. Of course."
I'm never going to have to worry about coming out to anyone since everyone else in my life is overjoyed to out me to anyone who might not be already informed and in the know. It's ridiculous and not what I really wanted the focus of that week to be on. But, here we were. I had offered to take my cousin Moe from Georgia to buy her some cigarettes. We were in my car for all of three seconds when she had to confess to knowing this about me via her parents via my mother's massive mouth.
"It's not like they were just like 'Hey, Josh is gay!'"
"Oh, so... how did that come up then exactly?"
"Well, when I knew we were coming up here I started asking about everyone. I had asked if you were married or had any kids yet, and their answer was a little strange and vague. So, I asked them why they were so sure that was never going to happen and they told me."
"Oh. Ok. That makes sense."
"Yeah, so... anyway. Is Werd yours?"
"Wow. Wouldn't that be something? No, he isn't mine. He's just a friend."
"Oh. Really? He seems really, really gay."
"Yes, sometimes he really does."
I had been snatching up all the cousins as they came in and out of the kitchen and forcing them to join a game of Phase 10 to keep them from annoying the adults and to save them from being bored senseless by the adults. We had quite a game going by the time Moe and I left for a few minutes to get cigarettes and share information. I thought I felt awkward beforehand. Nope. I had no idea what awkward really felt like until after that moment. Anyway, the game lasted for around 5 hours and my little brother Ty finally claimed the victory. I took Werd home. I wasn't expecting more awkwardness.
"Ok, dude. I have to ask you something and you have to answer."
"I already know what this is, but go ahead. I'll answer."
"Are you gay?"
"Yes, I am. Which one of my lovely relatives told you? Was it my mother?"
"Moe."
"Of course. God damn it."
"It's cool. You seemed kind of gay to me anyway."
"Really? Great."
"I have pretty good gaydar."
"Is that right?"
"They all thought we were dating, too."
"Yes, they did. They sure did. I don't bring anyone home or around the family. So, it makes sense that you and I would be involved since I brought you with me."
"I had fun with your family."
"Oh yeah? Hold onto that. It'll change. Soon."
"No, it won't. Your family is cool."
"You're an outsider. Everything looks better from there. Now that you're inside the house, you'll see how it really is. Just wait. There's too many of us together and it's only a matter of time before shit goes sideways in a serious way."
"Really?"
"Yep. Quote me."
Again, I'm never going to have to worry about coming out to anyone since everyone else in my life is overjoyed to out me to anyone who might not be already informed and in the know. It's not that big of a deal, I suppose. It's a little annoying, though.
I won't talk specifically about the incident between my little brother Ty and my grandmother on his last night in her house, but I will say that it got physical and that Werd was present for it. I wasn't, because I have the good sense not to sleep in that house when it's full of my various extended family members. I tried to warn them all that they were really pushing my grandmother's patience and that they should back off. But, I can't control what other people choose to do - even if it's ignore my impeccable advice. I happen to be an expert on crazy and speak it fluently. It's a family dialogue. Oh wells.
The week of the funeral really kick-started my social season. Ever since, I haven't been home much but to sleep off my exhaustion. I've been sleeping every other day. I've been too busy for much else. The other night I even went to Sharon Speedway with my sister. The day before that I was doing some target practice with the brothers and Freckles new gun. I still work 6 days a week so I'm already busy enough with that. I'm still recovering financially from taking those three days off for bereavement, but I'll be sort out by October.
Oh, and I'm dating now. I'm dating A LOT, actually. I'll discuss that in another post, however.
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