Too many variables at the table.

You should come visit me..

Nope. I have dinner with my family from Arkansas. They're here Sun-Thurs.

Whatever...like you wanna hang with family ..lol

I do.

Nope..

Yep yep

Bs....what time is dinner I'm coming

530

At your place?'

Nope. Golden Corral in Hermitage I think.

Well let me know for sure so I can come crash the party.

Hahaha. You're not that bored.

I might just be..lol you never know

I seriously doubt it.

Haha we shall see....

You're a crazy person.

Yep..lol
Not the first time ive heard that..

I bet it's not. Is it the first time today?

Yep..lol

It won't be the last time today if you keep it up. LoL.

Haha....mmm Golden Corral....

After this text exchange, I'm freaking out the entire drive over to my grandmother's house because this is an entirely new level of insanity and I can't manage this situation. This was weeks ago and it's taken me this long to relive it. That says a lot right there. All I knew for sure when I got home was that my aunt from Arkansas wanted "a combined family dinner". Then he text me and I thought I had the perfect excuse for being unavailable. I had no idea what the hell "combined family" meant, though. I knew where it was happening and when, but not the who of it. I was excited, intrigued, and slightly cautious. Who did "combined family" refer to? Apparently, Freckles was putting himself in that category. And, I couldn't help but wonder if this might be some gesture of my aunt from Arkansas to extend an olive branch to my local aunt. This could be an epic disaster. Why not add Freckles to the mix? A slip of the tongue and I could come out... again... in public... to the few people who don't already secretly know. My grandmother would probably die. First she'd die because of the information and then she'd have to come back to life and die again because everyone else already knew before her and then she'd have to come back to life and die again because of the embarrassment of it all happening in such a public setting. I'd only have to kill one other person to be technically declared a mass murderer after that. Oh, Freckles. He'd die after being exposed as not just the lifelong friend. Mass murderer status achieved even easier than I had imagined. Suddenly, I wanted to ditch the whole thing and actually go see Freckles instead. Maybe it wasn't too late. Fortunately, my sister drove because I was having enough trouble breathing and not jumping out of the moving vehicle. Too many variables were about to be gathered in one location.

It's not that I need to control everything, but I do feel a lot better when that's the case. Or I even feel better as long as someone is in control of everything. No one was going to be in control of anything at this "combined family dinner" and that scared the holy shit out of me. Seriously. This could be a legend in the making, a cautionary tale whispered to children in restaurants all across America to frighten them into acting right in public. We are not a peaceful people and things go horribly wrong - people say crazy, random things - in the heat of battle and passion.

My phone was dying when we got to my grandmother's house. I brought the cord for the charger, but not the rest of it. I could plug it into my sister's car, but the car had to be running for anything to happen. I didn't realize that. I left it plugged in for a few minutes while hanging out with my family on the porch only to return to it to find it that much closer to dead than before. At that point, "combined family" included me, sister, grandmother, aunt uncle & cousins from Arkansas. The local aunt uncle & cousins were not included and would not be. I could actually relax once I realized this. This wasn't the disaster situation I had thought it would be. Also, my phone dying wasn't actually a cause for crisis either. If it died before I could text Freckles back... well. He wouldn't drive an hour to a place we might be having dinner, I don't think. Problem resolved? Possibly. I liked that plan.

It turned out "combined family" also included my uncle's parents. I was thoroughly relieved. Dinner was amazing. I ate... basically everything offered except for salad. After weeks of mainly eating just chicken and rice, I fell off the wagon and ate everything I hadn't been eating. It was amazing and delicious.

Then I saw him. I think I might have actually abandoned the plate I was filling up with food right on the buffet line and followed him to the bathroom. This was going to be awkward and horrible afterall. What the hell was he thinking? I was about to find out.

"What the fuck are you thinking?! Why are you here?! This is insane!"

"Excuse me?! Who are you?!"

"That is so funny. This is so the perfect time and place for that joke. Why do you love to fuck with me so much? I... is that a tribal tattoo? What the hell... When did you get... Your eyes are brown. You're... you're not... Wow. You could be twins or something. Ummmm. Yeah. Shit. Nevermind. Try to forget this moment happened. Totally thought you were someone else. Sorry. Yikes. I..."

I walked into the handicap stall and locked the door. I had wanted to explain or apologize or say something, but... Well, I decided just hiding was the best way to end that situation and keep it from getting steadily worse. That's the best I could do. Also, it turned out I did have to go to the bathroom. So, not a total loss. I just hoped no one was waiting to confront me about the man I just mindfucked in the bathroom when I finally did decide to leave it. I went back to the buffet and tried not to laugh maniacally like the psychotic I obviously am while I made a new plate of food. Maybe I could play this off as some kind of binge-induced insanity. At any rate, I'd probably never see that poor bastard again.

When I returned to the table, I saw him again. He was sitting with his family on the other side of a wall of frosted glass. I decided I should just avert my eyes from that general direction and be incredibly thankful he hadn't reported me to management. I'm not sure I could explain the situation to either them, the police, or my family. I wouldn't even try. I'd just happily surrender to the authorities and take full advantage of my right to remain silent. That's something I should probably try to do more often anyway.

In my desperation to prepare for and counter all the random variables of that evening, I had forgotten all about the most dangerous, reckless variable of all: me. I'm my very own crisis situation waiting to happen.