My continued life as a stray dog.

I'm on vacation right now. Very big deal. I'm thoroughly enjoying time away from work. I got an update yesterday. Disaster, as usual. Drama. Not looking forward to walking back into that mess. Nope, not at all. Oh well. I have until Friday to enjoy myself and the quiet peace of my tiny, shitty apartment.

Although, it's getting less shitty every day. Seriously. I've actually been doing alot of improvement stuff during my holiday from working. Don't be too shocked, but I bought myself a power drill. Holy crap. It's the best thing ever.

Right, I'm not moving yet. I've done so much (plastering, shelve installing, furniture acquiring, detail cleaning) to make this place exponentially more livable so the thought of starting over and possibly having to do the same at an alternate sight is just more than I care to consider at the moment. There's going to be enough on my plate here shortly when I start back at work. Bleck. There's another thing I'd rather not consider.

Back to my power tool: I've rehung shelves with the aid of my new stud finder, drill bits, and screw driver attachments. I also did alot of plastering. Apparently the previous tenant had a hormonal imbalance and serious rage control problems. I'm not saying that I don't, but at least I don't pick fights with my freaking walls. OH! I reattached the bathroom sink to the wall. That sink hasn't been attached to the wall by anything but the plumbing beneath it for over a year now. Probably unsafe, but I lacked the proper toolage or motivation to do anything about it until now. Ok, correction: I attempted to use gorilla glue a few months ago, but was sadly unsuccessful. I then attempted to nail the cabinet back into place but could only find drywall and no studs to drive them into. Yeah, I'm getting to be fairly decent at this home maintenance/improvement thing. Shocking, I know. I'm fairly confident that all of my credentials and awards will stay on the walls now that there is more than a mere thumbtack to support them. Love this drill. Love it.

Nic wants to shoot a video today (being 0430) and I'm totally down. I have no clue what insane vision he's working with, but I do need to leave my apartment today. It's been a couple days and my skin is starting to itch. I haven't been creative in practically forever. I won't get into specifics, but censorship has never been pretty and I've seen more than I care to of it. We don't discuss the incident or even our creative partnership anymore. At least, we hadn't. It'll be nice to be out in the field doing... whatever, I don't even care. It'll be good. Even if no one but us ever sees the finished product. I'm excited.

No more pain killers. Yay. I think I've been off them for a couple days. It is so nice to be normal again. I can think clearly. I'm not prone to passing the fuck out and sleeping all day. No more nausea. It's lovely, really. I really enjoy the stability of my life now that I'm not taking a daily dose of anything. It's nice to be able to eat solid foods again as well. There is only so much soup and pasta that one man can eat. I had pizza yesterday. Wow. Delicious.

Called home today (yesterday, actually). That was... what it was. Anyway, I got the information I needed out of my aunt and did my best to awkwardly string together a conversation with my young, timid cousin. I didn't have alot to work with and I did my best. Grandpa said my name several times while grandma held the phone to his head. I guess that's alot more than he's usually able to do these days. I can't deal with it. I just can't. I wish I was numb to it like I am to practically everything else, but I'm not and I hate it. We didn't have much of a relationship, but no one - fuck. I don't know. I can't even finish that sentence. What? No one deserves that? Seriously? That's unnecessary and cliche and everything I hate about assholes who try to say the right thing to console people beyond consoling. Shut the fuck up and leave it alone. It's bullshit. I fucking hate it and it's bullshit. Don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on...

I spoke to my other aunt for a little. I did not get the information I needed from her because she was about to donate blood and we spent all of our time talking about things that actually matter. I try to compare the reality and setting of that conversation to the other one and my brain shatters. I enjoy conversations where I don't have to lie the entire time to keep the other party from using the information I share with them against me or someone I love. Wow. That's screwed up. Doesn't make it any less true. I lied alot during the other conversation. Basically, I just listen to what I'm going to say and then say the exact opposite. Being vague is safe, too. I don't know. Maybe. Commit to nothing. Admit nothing. Everything is a shade of ambiguous gray. That's how it is with certain members of my family. It's refreshing when that isn't the case. Rare, but lovely. I'll call her back tomorrow. Her postcard will be late since I've misplaced the address. The other people will be getting their postcard first and no call back.

Yeah, that's how much time I have on my hands right now. I'm doing correspondence with people I've recently spoken to on the phone. But, I have a stack of postcards from my trip to Hershey and nothing else to do with them. Kind of ridiculous, but whatever.

I also got ahold of my elusive mother via Facebook. She no longer has the cellphone I've been calling for days now. I now have her landline, but she doesn't have caller ID or voicemail or even an archaic answering machine. What century is this? Anyway, we talked about my hooligan brother and her life as a recently-single-but-not-yet-divorced-and-actively-dating woman. That's alot to deal with, so I didn't mention why I had been trying to contact her. I'm just going to mail the letter and she can read it a week from now and deal with it. She's also getting a postcard because I'm nothing if not thorough and consistent.

Speaking of my hooligan brother, someone needs to kick that kid's ass and it'll probably end up having to be me.

In other news... my step brother and sister from my father's marriage have recently included me in their social networks. Interesting. It's only a matter of time now. There is going to be a reckoning. If I do make a trip back up to Ohio, I'm probably going to have to confront my father and his bitch wife in person. It's just not the same in cyberspace. They ought to leave well enough alone and sleeping dogs lie. I'm pretty sure they won't, though. There is no hole in my heart from the absence of them in my life. In fact, my life is much better and less complicated now that I've accepted how meaningless and abrasive my presence in theirs is and always has been. I have moved on and away. There's nothing left to say. Well, there is one thing and I don't give a good god damn what either of them thinks of it or me. I am a little curious how they'd react. Definitely worth the trouble to find out and say goodbye.

Wow. If it isn't obvious, don't ever bring that topic up in a conversation with me if you hope to continue it or ever have another one with me again. Just don't.

I have so much to do today, it's exhausting to even think about it. I made three lists to help me accomplish at least 85% of my goals. I owe myself that much since I slept for the first day and a half of my vacation. It's weird not knowing what day it is. It's weirder not caring what day it is. I don't really want to go back to work on Friday. I know I have to, but... do I? Really? I don't think I really do. I'm trying to convince myself that I have an obligation (several financial obligations, actually) and I'm only half-convincing myself. Bleck. I have another year of guaranteed bonuses which I have already made very exact plans for spending/allocating. My anniversary is in a few days. I'll be starting year 5 of the job that was never meant to become a career. It's absurd how things happen independently of your expectations or desires. Fate is not without a sense of humor and a dark one at that. Anyway, this means more vacation time for me. Assuming that I'll have the opportunity to use it after this latest development. If I could, I'd use it right now. I wonder how I'd feel after a month away from work. I can't even imagine. I'd love to find out, though. I really, really would.

I'm thinking that if the yellow house is still owned by my family after another year, I'm going move back home and take it easy. Maybe focus on writing more exclusively. Maybe I'll just go nomad and wander. That sounds about as appealing as it does horrifying. I think that's why it's so enticing. Then, there's always Alaska. I'd really like to go back - maybe not forever, but for a little while.

Dreams are strange. But, in order to have them, you need to sleep once in awhile. So... think I will. Night then.