You'd think the cold would cause some shrinkage.

I'm going to be late for work. I run to my Jeep, hurl myself and my shit into it, and start the engine. I turn on the heat and activate my GPS. I set it for work and find that I can just make it on time if I don't stop for red lights. Then I notice my passenger side window. Someone has drawn something in the frost on the window. I try to activate the window controls but they are unresponsive. The crude picture is frozen in place and I don't have the time to get out and scrape it off. I push the nearest vent toward it and hope it melts as I drive to work.

When I get to town, I remember that it's 6:30am and a school day. I tense up. The picture hasn't disappeared. In fact, I almost think it's become more noticeable. I come to the dramatic conclusion that I may get arrested for public indecency in a school zone today. I hope no one looks at my vehicle as I pass. I hope no one sees the crude and enormous penis someone has drawn on my passenger side window as I drive at the appointed 25mph past all the little children and their god-fearing parents. I'm not as concerned about the tiny pixelated set of tits that simply weren't drawn to the same scale as the 12 inch crocked cock. It's absurd. The balls were depicted larger than the tits. In what universe is that possible?

I am freaking out.

I drive my penis-mobile to work and arrive just in time to jump out and go running like a madman into the building. As the day progresses, I forget about my ordeal. It's much warmer in the afternoon and the penis is invisible to the naked eye. I forget it's even there until the next morning as I am running behind again and I'm too late to do anything but going speeding along in my penis-mobile for all the world to see.

I am too overwhelmed by the comedy of the situation to be as pissed off about this as I probably should be. These kinds of things just don't happen to other people. They only happen to me. I text my outrage to everyone in my phonebook. Most people assume it's a forward and don't realize this is happening in real time and to me. That makes it even funnier. Irony is hilarious like that.

The next few days are warmer and the penis goes dormant. I forget about it again. I still haven't had the time or mindset to remember to do anything about the situation and now it doesn't matter. When I do remember, I speculate about the identity of the artist. I have two theories: someone at work and someone in my apartment building. I can't decide on a favorite. It could just as easily be either.

On another bitter and cold morning, it becomes more obvious that it is definitely someone in my apartment community. First, I notice the shotgun penis for possibly the fourth time. I roll down the window and then roll it back up. Nothing changes except the breasts are gone now.

"Well, that makes it so much better. Doesn't it? Wha... What the hell?"

I see something in my rear view mirror. I turn around in my seat and my jaw unhinges. Across the entire length of my rear window is a five foot penis that makes the previous one look prepubescent.

"Holy cock. What the hell?!"

I turn on my rear defrost. I start the car and activate GPS. The absurdity of my situation is almost too extreme. I consider getting out and correcting the situation. Then, I realize someone is probably watching me. The artist is probably enjoying this moment. I honk and wave at no one and nothing. Then I'm off, speeding through town in my penis-mobile. The difference today is that I don't forget.

I don't forget for the next ten hours. After work, I get gas and make sure to wash every single window of my Jeep. I have finally stopped the insanity. No one has confessed to being my penis-mobile artist, but I maintain my theories and wait anxiously for the next cold morning to come.